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-Holly
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
The Journey to Hollywood
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" - Psalm 37:4
Ask anyone who knows me well, and they'd probably say that some of my life-long desires have been to marry a rich business man (or rich youth pastor, if one of those exist) and live in a beach house, preferably in Newport, Laguna, or Hawaii. I have other life goals and desires of course, but that's always been one of the top, because there's really nothing I love more than the beach, and being outdoors enjoying the sun and ocean water.
If those are my heart's desire, it must mean that I'm now living at the beach, right? I mean, I definitely delight myself in the Lord, as well as his beautiful creation. But apparently something has gone awry in the plan. Because I live in Placentia, CA...a bit more akin to Mexico than the beach, and often referred to by my "funny" guy friends as "the placenta"...which is just not appealing at all. Oh yeah, and I'm definitely not married, either...be it to a business man or youth pastor.
But doesn't the bible tell me God will give me what I want if I delight in Him??
I remember one morning at Biola, sitting in one of our weekly mandatory chapel services, listening to our student body president speak. I couldn't tell you what the entire message was about, but what stuck out to me was when he talked about this verse. About delighting yourself in the Lord, and how that didn't necessarily mean He'll give you everything you want; but that if your delight is in Him, you will desire the things that HE desires...and therefore he will give them to you. It was like a light bulb went on in my head. Apparently I was not entirely wise or spiritually mature (good thing I spent 3.5 years in bible school)...but I'd never really thought about it too much, and it suddenly made sense to me. We make our life about God's desires and of course he'll give us the desires of our heart.
So for years this has come to mind at times and it's started to make more sense. But it wasn't until just recently that I feel like I've come to fully grasp this concept because I'm actually seeing it fulfilled in my life...
About two and a half years ago, I wrote my first story for MOTION magazine, a RockHarbor publication about ministry and life stories. I was to write about Broken Hearts ministry - a late night outreach to people living and working on the streets of Hollywood (primarily those who are homeless, dealing drugs and prostituting). My plan was to write the story and never look back. God had other plans. The people I met that night gripped my heart, and before I knew it, I was a part of the ministry. I was ill-equipped and had no idea what I was doing, but I knew I needed to be there. And God always provided words and wisdom...along with enough failure to learn and grow. The more time I spent there, the more I thought about it...and the more time I wanted to spend there. Why? Because the streets of Hollywood are as appealing as the beach? Ha! No...but experiencing God's presence and changing power IS.
It didn't take long before it began to transform me. Sharing Christ forced me to understand and own my beliefs, and know how to share them with others. Seeing the hurt, broken, and lost broke my heart in a way that it'd never been before. Desire to help them and see God heal them overwhelmed me. About a year in, more and more came into my life that shaped my thinking and desires to help. My church focused on "going" and doing, and serving the world around us. I read books about incarnational living and the homeless and serving "the least of these"...and God spoke through them. Speakers came to ECCU (where I currently work) and talked about the ministries and missions they were serving in, and when I saw videos or stories about similar outreach, I cried every time and my heart ached with a longing to be a part of something like that. I began to serve more and more in Broken Hearts, and even offer ideas and thoughts to the leader as a way of getting more involved (even though I still didn't have a clue what I was doing). But it still wasn't enough.
I started a book called Submerge, given to me by a friend, about incarnational living. The idea of actually living in poor areas, in and among those you're ministering to was admirable, but slightly crazy. You know- when you think: "wow, that's so great that they're doing that. Wish I had that much courage. But I don't think God is 'calling' me to that." I hated Hollywood, quite frankly. The dingy, dirty streets filled with porn shops and strip clubs and homeless people and drug addicts. The darkness was just too much. Every week going up to Hollywood for months and months, I felt a little queezy and often fighting the desire to just stay home each Thursday. I liked the conversations we had there, but despised everything else about the city.
The day I finished the book a few weeks later, I heard God speak in a subtle way through a quote at the end of the book. I believe God was telling me that one day he'd want me to live in Hollywood, among those that Broken Hearts minsters to and befriends. It was exciting...especially because "one day" sounded far away....meaning, plenty of time to prepare, get sick of my job, establish a solid non-profit in Hollywood and have a full-time minstry job with Broken Hearts. Awesome!...for one day in the distant future....
Weeks and months later, the thoughts stuck in my mind, and I continued to wonder how I could work in Hollywood. Because we met people who needed help, or rides, or wanted to go to church, etc, but it was just too hard to help them because we only saw them once a week. And that bothered me. I couldn't help like I was wanted, because of distance and time. One week at church, during one of our days of fasting and prayer, I decided to fast and really seek God in prayer about this desire I was beginning to have. In a group of a bunch of strangers, I told them I was looking for God's direction and clarity on something, but didn't tell them what. A lady prayed for me, after waiting to hear from the Holy Spirit, and then shared, "I felt like God was telling me that whatever you're asking him about is going to happen. You just have to be patient." I cried. I knew God was speaking to her, and to me. God was speaking to me! And He confirmed that thought of "one day". And that began a long series of God speaking, me crying, Holy Spirit moving, desire growing.
I won't go into every detail of every call and confirmation I felt (it would take many more blogs)...but confirmatoin was coming more often and stronger each time. My longing to live in Hollywood was growing. Then I began to realize that often these big dreams sound a lot better than they actually are. It struck me that maybe I wasn't being very realisitc and thinking about what this would all mean.
So I went on a journey of looking at my life and evaluating what I was willing to sacrifice. One day, praying in my bedroom, I told God I wanted to go, argued about why he wasn't making a way, and asked him to provide. And I opened my eyes as I felt like he was asking, "really? are you really ready?" I looked around my bedroom. I thought about my lovely apartment...my perfect job...my stable life...my nearness to Newport Beach and my awesome church. "oh, haha. no. I'm not ready," I confessed. When it came down to it, I wasn't quite ready to sacrifice all of that. But that led me down the path of examining my life and looking at what I needed to pry my fingers off of in order to really follow God's call.
One day I drove home from taking someone to church in Hollywood, and drove along the streets looking at all of the lost, poor, broken souls that I passed and was overwhelmed by the need. But at the same time excited about the opportunity. When you drive around Orange County, you don't see many people walking around, you can't easily find the needs. There are just as many walls up here, but more of the brick-and-mortar, shiny jaguar kind of walls. And you have to get through those before getting through the emotional walls...and sometimes that's even harder than the walls of the obviously broken.
As I contemplated all of this, and drove home listening to music about "going" and "doing" and surrendering our lives for the lost, I once again felt that ache. A desire to be up here. But even stronger than ever before. Like if I didn't move here soon, it would drive me crazy. And for the first time, on that nice sunny day in Hollywood, I actually wanted to stay there. I wasn't excited to get back to the OC. I imagined living in Hollywood and found joy in it...no longer sick at the thought of Hollywood, but broken for the hurting in such a way that it overwhelmed my disgust with the black cloud of sin hovering over it's crowded streets and buildings.
I could go on an on about experiences like this, and moments that confirmed God wanted me here. But suffice it to say, God's desires were becoming my desires. My desire to live at the beach didn't go away...but seeing people turn their lives around and surrender to Christ made it worth the sacrifice. I actually wanted to live in a place I hated, because I've never experienced God like I have here, and because being there made me want to tell people about Him even more.
So I continued to pray even more, "God, I want to move to Hollywood. Make a way if you want me there. Open some door...you're going to have to work something out." I continued to think of ways, think of future options. At one point in this journey, God spoke through a speaker at ECCU, and I felt I should move within the year. With no plans of Broken Hearts getting a building or full-time positions, I contemplated missionary support, commuting to my job, working from home, etc. It still seemed a long way off, but it was much more of a reality.
Then our church announced they were helping to plant a church in Hollywood. I was excited by the fact that God was proving how he was moving up there...but skeptical of the church. "It's gonna be all about the industry. And there's going to be all these church people getting excited about Hollywood now, oblivious to the fact we've been there for a while, oblivious to some of the other great churches that are partnering with us." I didn't plan to attend the church or be heavily involved, but knew God could open some kind of doors with the backing of our church and others coming into the city. I had no idea what those open doors might look like, but I prayed that if there was an opportunity that God would make it happen for us.
A month or so later, I got to write another story for MOTION about the church plant in Hollywood. I attended a few vision services and began to meet some of the leadership team, and I interviewed the pastor. In that conversation, he mentioned that they'd be hiring an admin person eventually...and that my church was talking about having some kind of liaison between the two churches and that my name had come up. I walked away from that conversation dazed and blown away. "No one at church even knows who I am!" I thought. "How the heck is my name coming up?...." But the thought about an administrative person being hired seemed like a little crack in a door that had potential in the future. So, I went along with writing the story and wondering what God would do in 3-6 months, assuming this would all take a while to really get going and involve Broken Hearts (who had already begun a relationship with the pastor).
A week later I was approached by a staff member at church, telling me more about this "liasion" role and wondering if I'd have interest in something like that, thinking that I seemed like a fit for it. Apparently she'd known about me from MOTION and had found out more from others. Even more blown away...(and a few conversations later), I prayed, fasted, and asked God what this was going to mean. A few days later at a staff "soul care" day at work, I had a lot of quiet time with God, focusing on scripture and prayer. God showed me that it was time. I thought about my amazing job and workplace and cried, as I realized I was going to be leaving here soon. I knew God was calling me, and I promised him (with gritted teeth) that if he provided, I would go. In contemplating the hardships, the loneliness, the confusion, the loss of a great OC life, the struggles I might have in Hollywood...I cried as I mourned, but also rejoiced at the clear voice of God speaking to me. I felt I could trust Him, despite the hardship as he told me "don't fear hunger... don't fear the hardships and loss and difficulty. I will provide and give you what you need." Our boss anointed our staff at the end of that day, and I cried again, feeling like it was a symbolic "letting go" and blessing of him and our team to leave (even if they had no idea).
About a week later RockHarbor sent me a job description and asked me to come in for an interview. I accepted after a few days of prayer, then told my boss as I barely held back tears, that I was leaving. The encouragement from him, and from my family when I told them, just seemed to confirm once again where God was leading. They all said that had a sense this was where God was leading me and that they'd known it would only be a matter of time. When my family didn't try to talk me out of it and prayed over me instead, I almost fell out of my chair. And He continues to provide and confirm, giving me more faith each time. When I found out the job was part-time, I worried about finances. Then I found out the salary was enough to live on, with possibility of increase in the near future. It's still going to be tight (do you even know how much apartments cost in L.A?!)...but I have no reason to fear. He's provided thus far, and if he wants me in Hollywood, he will continue. (I've already had offers to support in both prayer and finances from friends and family that I didn't even ask for!)
Though I look at this situation and am convinced I'm completely insane, I also know this is the most exciting journey I've ever been on and look forward to see where God will take me. I will end this post with a recap of specific ways God has spoken into my life in the past few years and show how he's changed me.
Thanks for reading this lengthy post of God's transformation. When our delight is truly in Him and in His desires, He really does give us the desires of our heart. I may not get my beach house (He'll give me beach-front property in Heaven, right?)...but I get to see God's life-changing power...and believe it or not, that's even better!
The following are excerpts from journal entries or emails about what God was speaking to me, just to chroncile this crazy path and showcase God's faithfulness:
Ask anyone who knows me well, and they'd probably say that some of my life-long desires have been to marry a rich business man (or rich youth pastor, if one of those exist) and live in a beach house, preferably in Newport, Laguna, or Hawaii. I have other life goals and desires of course, but that's always been one of the top, because there's really nothing I love more than the beach, and being outdoors enjoying the sun and ocean water.
If those are my heart's desire, it must mean that I'm now living at the beach, right? I mean, I definitely delight myself in the Lord, as well as his beautiful creation. But apparently something has gone awry in the plan. Because I live in Placentia, CA...a bit more akin to Mexico than the beach, and often referred to by my "funny" guy friends as "the placenta"...which is just not appealing at all. Oh yeah, and I'm definitely not married, either...be it to a business man or youth pastor.
But doesn't the bible tell me God will give me what I want if I delight in Him??
I remember one morning at Biola, sitting in one of our weekly mandatory chapel services, listening to our student body president speak. I couldn't tell you what the entire message was about, but what stuck out to me was when he talked about this verse. About delighting yourself in the Lord, and how that didn't necessarily mean He'll give you everything you want; but that if your delight is in Him, you will desire the things that HE desires...and therefore he will give them to you. It was like a light bulb went on in my head. Apparently I was not entirely wise or spiritually mature (good thing I spent 3.5 years in bible school)...but I'd never really thought about it too much, and it suddenly made sense to me. We make our life about God's desires and of course he'll give us the desires of our heart.
So for years this has come to mind at times and it's started to make more sense. But it wasn't until just recently that I feel like I've come to fully grasp this concept because I'm actually seeing it fulfilled in my life...
About two and a half years ago, I wrote my first story for MOTION magazine, a RockHarbor publication about ministry and life stories. I was to write about Broken Hearts ministry - a late night outreach to people living and working on the streets of Hollywood (primarily those who are homeless, dealing drugs and prostituting). My plan was to write the story and never look back. God had other plans. The people I met that night gripped my heart, and before I knew it, I was a part of the ministry. I was ill-equipped and had no idea what I was doing, but I knew I needed to be there. And God always provided words and wisdom...along with enough failure to learn and grow. The more time I spent there, the more I thought about it...and the more time I wanted to spend there. Why? Because the streets of Hollywood are as appealing as the beach? Ha! No...but experiencing God's presence and changing power IS.
It didn't take long before it began to transform me. Sharing Christ forced me to understand and own my beliefs, and know how to share them with others. Seeing the hurt, broken, and lost broke my heart in a way that it'd never been before. Desire to help them and see God heal them overwhelmed me. About a year in, more and more came into my life that shaped my thinking and desires to help. My church focused on "going" and doing, and serving the world around us. I read books about incarnational living and the homeless and serving "the least of these"...and God spoke through them. Speakers came to ECCU (where I currently work) and talked about the ministries and missions they were serving in, and when I saw videos or stories about similar outreach, I cried every time and my heart ached with a longing to be a part of something like that. I began to serve more and more in Broken Hearts, and even offer ideas and thoughts to the leader as a way of getting more involved (even though I still didn't have a clue what I was doing). But it still wasn't enough.
I started a book called Submerge, given to me by a friend, about incarnational living. The idea of actually living in poor areas, in and among those you're ministering to was admirable, but slightly crazy. You know- when you think: "wow, that's so great that they're doing that. Wish I had that much courage. But I don't think God is 'calling' me to that." I hated Hollywood, quite frankly. The dingy, dirty streets filled with porn shops and strip clubs and homeless people and drug addicts. The darkness was just too much. Every week going up to Hollywood for months and months, I felt a little queezy and often fighting the desire to just stay home each Thursday. I liked the conversations we had there, but despised everything else about the city.
The day I finished the book a few weeks later, I heard God speak in a subtle way through a quote at the end of the book. I believe God was telling me that one day he'd want me to live in Hollywood, among those that Broken Hearts minsters to and befriends. It was exciting...especially because "one day" sounded far away....meaning, plenty of time to prepare, get sick of my job, establish a solid non-profit in Hollywood and have a full-time minstry job with Broken Hearts. Awesome!...for one day in the distant future....
Weeks and months later, the thoughts stuck in my mind, and I continued to wonder how I could work in Hollywood. Because we met people who needed help, or rides, or wanted to go to church, etc, but it was just too hard to help them because we only saw them once a week. And that bothered me. I couldn't help like I was wanted, because of distance and time. One week at church, during one of our days of fasting and prayer, I decided to fast and really seek God in prayer about this desire I was beginning to have. In a group of a bunch of strangers, I told them I was looking for God's direction and clarity on something, but didn't tell them what. A lady prayed for me, after waiting to hear from the Holy Spirit, and then shared, "I felt like God was telling me that whatever you're asking him about is going to happen. You just have to be patient." I cried. I knew God was speaking to her, and to me. God was speaking to me! And He confirmed that thought of "one day". And that began a long series of God speaking, me crying, Holy Spirit moving, desire growing.
I won't go into every detail of every call and confirmation I felt (it would take many more blogs)...but confirmatoin was coming more often and stronger each time. My longing to live in Hollywood was growing. Then I began to realize that often these big dreams sound a lot better than they actually are. It struck me that maybe I wasn't being very realisitc and thinking about what this would all mean.
So I went on a journey of looking at my life and evaluating what I was willing to sacrifice. One day, praying in my bedroom, I told God I wanted to go, argued about why he wasn't making a way, and asked him to provide. And I opened my eyes as I felt like he was asking, "really? are you really ready?" I looked around my bedroom. I thought about my lovely apartment...my perfect job...my stable life...my nearness to Newport Beach and my awesome church. "oh, haha. no. I'm not ready," I confessed. When it came down to it, I wasn't quite ready to sacrifice all of that. But that led me down the path of examining my life and looking at what I needed to pry my fingers off of in order to really follow God's call.
One day I drove home from taking someone to church in Hollywood, and drove along the streets looking at all of the lost, poor, broken souls that I passed and was overwhelmed by the need. But at the same time excited about the opportunity. When you drive around Orange County, you don't see many people walking around, you can't easily find the needs. There are just as many walls up here, but more of the brick-and-mortar, shiny jaguar kind of walls. And you have to get through those before getting through the emotional walls...and sometimes that's even harder than the walls of the obviously broken.
As I contemplated all of this, and drove home listening to music about "going" and "doing" and surrendering our lives for the lost, I once again felt that ache. A desire to be up here. But even stronger than ever before. Like if I didn't move here soon, it would drive me crazy. And for the first time, on that nice sunny day in Hollywood, I actually wanted to stay there. I wasn't excited to get back to the OC. I imagined living in Hollywood and found joy in it...no longer sick at the thought of Hollywood, but broken for the hurting in such a way that it overwhelmed my disgust with the black cloud of sin hovering over it's crowded streets and buildings.
I could go on an on about experiences like this, and moments that confirmed God wanted me here. But suffice it to say, God's desires were becoming my desires. My desire to live at the beach didn't go away...but seeing people turn their lives around and surrender to Christ made it worth the sacrifice. I actually wanted to live in a place I hated, because I've never experienced God like I have here, and because being there made me want to tell people about Him even more.
So I continued to pray even more, "God, I want to move to Hollywood. Make a way if you want me there. Open some door...you're going to have to work something out." I continued to think of ways, think of future options. At one point in this journey, God spoke through a speaker at ECCU, and I felt I should move within the year. With no plans of Broken Hearts getting a building or full-time positions, I contemplated missionary support, commuting to my job, working from home, etc. It still seemed a long way off, but it was much more of a reality.
Then our church announced they were helping to plant a church in Hollywood. I was excited by the fact that God was proving how he was moving up there...but skeptical of the church. "It's gonna be all about the industry. And there's going to be all these church people getting excited about Hollywood now, oblivious to the fact we've been there for a while, oblivious to some of the other great churches that are partnering with us." I didn't plan to attend the church or be heavily involved, but knew God could open some kind of doors with the backing of our church and others coming into the city. I had no idea what those open doors might look like, but I prayed that if there was an opportunity that God would make it happen for us.
A month or so later, I got to write another story for MOTION about the church plant in Hollywood. I attended a few vision services and began to meet some of the leadership team, and I interviewed the pastor. In that conversation, he mentioned that they'd be hiring an admin person eventually...and that my church was talking about having some kind of liaison between the two churches and that my name had come up. I walked away from that conversation dazed and blown away. "No one at church even knows who I am!" I thought. "How the heck is my name coming up?...." But the thought about an administrative person being hired seemed like a little crack in a door that had potential in the future. So, I went along with writing the story and wondering what God would do in 3-6 months, assuming this would all take a while to really get going and involve Broken Hearts (who had already begun a relationship with the pastor).
A week later I was approached by a staff member at church, telling me more about this "liasion" role and wondering if I'd have interest in something like that, thinking that I seemed like a fit for it. Apparently she'd known about me from MOTION and had found out more from others. Even more blown away...(and a few conversations later), I prayed, fasted, and asked God what this was going to mean. A few days later at a staff "soul care" day at work, I had a lot of quiet time with God, focusing on scripture and prayer. God showed me that it was time. I thought about my amazing job and workplace and cried, as I realized I was going to be leaving here soon. I knew God was calling me, and I promised him (with gritted teeth) that if he provided, I would go. In contemplating the hardships, the loneliness, the confusion, the loss of a great OC life, the struggles I might have in Hollywood...I cried as I mourned, but also rejoiced at the clear voice of God speaking to me. I felt I could trust Him, despite the hardship as he told me "don't fear hunger... don't fear the hardships and loss and difficulty. I will provide and give you what you need." Our boss anointed our staff at the end of that day, and I cried again, feeling like it was a symbolic "letting go" and blessing of him and our team to leave (even if they had no idea).
About a week later RockHarbor sent me a job description and asked me to come in for an interview. I accepted after a few days of prayer, then told my boss as I barely held back tears, that I was leaving. The encouragement from him, and from my family when I told them, just seemed to confirm once again where God was leading. They all said that had a sense this was where God was leading me and that they'd known it would only be a matter of time. When my family didn't try to talk me out of it and prayed over me instead, I almost fell out of my chair. And He continues to provide and confirm, giving me more faith each time. When I found out the job was part-time, I worried about finances. Then I found out the salary was enough to live on, with possibility of increase in the near future. It's still going to be tight (do you even know how much apartments cost in L.A?!)...but I have no reason to fear. He's provided thus far, and if he wants me in Hollywood, he will continue. (I've already had offers to support in both prayer and finances from friends and family that I didn't even ask for!)
Though I look at this situation and am convinced I'm completely insane, I also know this is the most exciting journey I've ever been on and look forward to see where God will take me. I will end this post with a recap of specific ways God has spoken into my life in the past few years and show how he's changed me.
Thanks for reading this lengthy post of God's transformation. When our delight is truly in Him and in His desires, He really does give us the desires of our heart. I may not get my beach house (He'll give me beach-front property in Heaven, right?)...but I get to see God's life-changing power...and believe it or not, that's even better!
The following are excerpts from journal entries or emails about what God was speaking to me, just to chroncile this crazy path and showcase God's faithfulness:
5.14.07: …But the sentence "It's much easier to act your way into feelings than to feel your way into actions." I often "feel my way into actions". I want to feel something, to be sure of it, to know I am sensing God's leading. But I think there are often things that I don’t do, because I don't feel like it, or it doesn't make me excited, or I'm scared. Great example: in New Orleans, the night we went to feed homeless people. I never would have chosen to go. It was very uncertain, new, uncomfortable, we were all tired, etc. But we went anyway, and it ended up being great. I left that night with a greater understanding of those people, and a bigger heart for them. Same thing with the next day at the mission.
So that's kind of what I'm thinking with ministry right now, and things like going to L.A. with that team to record what happens for the newspaper. It sounds uncomfortable, tiring, a little scary, and something I wouldn't normally choose to do. Which kind of makes me think I should do it. I don't feel like doing it, but maybe once I do it, I will feel a passion for it, and God will use it. I think between your influence, and being in New Orleans, God is increasing my compassion and desire to serve those in need…the orphans, widows, poor, hopeless, because that's who he came for. Praise God. He's opening my eyes and changing my heart and giving me desires for the same people that he came for. He's breaking into my stupid, comfortable bubble lifestyle which requires little need for Him, and showing me why he hates pride, and why he came for the weak and oppressed and needy. He's showing me what a silly place Orange County is, and even most of America is. It's okay to have nice things and live a comfortable life…but if that's all you live for, then what's the point?
This stuff in the book made a big impact on my thinking. Sometimes you just have to do something, to act in faith, even when it's scary and you don't want to…and many times God will change your heart and make it easier as a result….
One day, August/September 2008: Sat on my porch and finished “Submerge”..moved to tears and clearly heard God speaking “one day, you will be in Hollywood” after reading this: “Perhaps, in the world’s eyes, we could be making more appropriate use of our lives elsewhere….No matter what we do toward transofmration in every community we choose to live in, some will not make it….and our hopes and dreams, joined with those of the poor, will simply be an expenditure of love, an anointing for burial. Logic may be on Judas’s side. But for those who choose to pour out their lives among the poor, there will be a fragrance that fills the house of God.”
11.19.08: “I decided to attend Third Wednesday at church instead of Life Group in my pursuit of God during Sabbath…Near the end of worship a few things started coming to mind regarding ministry… It seems when I’m pursuing direction, guidance, or a goal, that God always brings it in clear, easy but unexpected ways….what that meant to me was wait, and when I’m not expecting it He’ll speak clearly when the time is right. Or he’ll just lead me into a place suddenly without any planning on my part. Things will fall into place with ministry…Then we did corporate prayer. I never ask for prayer in these settings, but I knew this was a time to ask, that’s what I was there for. And what a (slightly awkward) but cool experience…A few people prayed for me and waited to hear from the Holy Spirit. One lady said basically just what I bad been thinking during prayer. To wait, that confirmation would come, that fear would leave with that, to wait on God. Hearing what I was thinking spoken back showed me that God was speaking! …So I’ll continue to wait on God and his timing and direction and work to do my best at helping Antquan and improving ministry as-is until he leads us down a new path.
3.15.09 (after skydiving): “Faith is jumping out of a plane, strapped to someone I don’t know, and trusting that I’ll survive. It’s scary, but trust outweighs the fear. And yet I lack faith to let God use me.”
4.26.09: “Abandonment to God’s control is beginning to make more sense in my life. Partially due to the work of the Holy Spirit through Francis Chan. And discomfort with my own choices and plans, lack of satisfaction with clothes and travel and fun. Those things are great blessings, but I make them my Gods. And it doesn’t work. I just feel more uncomfortable unless I’m letting go of my grip on those things….There’s much I have to learn about comfort and sacrifice, but I’m getting there and God is patiently teaching me to lose my life to gain it for His sake.”
6.1.09: “Appreciating God, his beauty, his rest, is easy in a place like Hawaii. Gratitude abounds, awe is a constant, peace and joy come naturally. But it’s also a tough place to be, because it’s easy to stop here. At thankfulness and wonder and fulfilling myself in those things and in enjoying His creation. Translating that love of others doesn’t come as naturally. Because I want to stay in this state of simply enjoying and living pleasurable. There’s so many distractions and things ot please myself iwht. In a place like Hollywood, of little natural beauty, nthoing to cling to or desire, and and joy mnight be harder. But God and serving him is easier because what else is there to focus on? It’s almost easier to find him because His brightness is more obvious in the dark.
6.18.09 Prayer before BH: Me: “Why don’t we have a building? Why aren’t you opening doors?” God: “are you really ready for a building? Are you really ready to move? Leave your job?” Me: “oh. Maybe not. I don’t want ot leave yet. I like my apt, I’m learning a lot at work. I guess I wouldn’t be ready to leave if we get a place.” God:” why do you feel so stressed about the plan and money? These plans are something you enjoy and this process should be enjoyable.” Me: “oh yeah. There’s no rush. We’re here for ministry, with or without a building. I want to enjoy the process not feel stressed. And to trus tyo for pvision and guidance.”..do our due diligence, leave the rest up to God.
6.20.09: God, I want to trust you so much that I make crazy choices that I will neglect logic for faith and trust you to show up. And I pray that those choices would be obvious, that I would talk about them ,and that it would show that things on this earth aren’t as important.
6.27.09: By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to the place he would receive an inheritance, and he went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he lived in the land of promise, as in a foreign land…for he was looking for the city which has foundations, whose architect and builder is God” – Hebrews 11:8, 13:1-14. These passages are standing out to me this morning as such clear, powerful, self-explanatroy messageds….Faith expresses itself in obedience. We can settle in as foreigners in a strange land to us, living uncomfortably or differently than those around us because we are really planning for our true home and inheritance. Sacrifice is always worth it when it’s for a greater outcome.
8.5.09 Facebook status: could God be speaking to me any clearer? probably not... (after Sam Gallucci spoke at staff meeting about homeless ministry in Ventura and asking us what God is calling is to right now. It was this day and later that week that I decided I would aim for being in Hollywood within the year, because God was saying sooner rather than later).
9.15.09 Third Wednesday: Johnny and Amy Hughes shared their story. Just like mine. A vision, a burning desire to serve in a specific way, and led here outside of their plans. At point A, with point B in their visions. How to get from point A to point B? Not sure how or where. As they said, not a crazy story or extremely unusual, but more what they wanted us to experience the power of the Holy Spirit…I do too. Then they read the verse from Isaiah about the broken-hearted. I was prayed for…to continue, for wisdom and guidance and dersi to puruse your calling. Not sure what will happen, but I feel like it’s an important step in the process. And being prayed for in this context feels lke it has so much power that I don’t feel on my own. God just seems to be confirming that vision I’ve been questioning. Maybe God is still preparing me.
10.21.09 Soul Care Day: “In this section we’re focusing on our blessedness to be a blessing to tohers. Also known as our mission….Happens that the next passage is Jesus reading a scroll from Isaiah (Luke 4:18) about fulfilling the prophecy. I teared up as Steve read it aloud. That happens a lot. I guess I’m scared to use absolutes, saying God told me something. But am I still doubting this might be his plan?...The spirit was upon him because he had a mnission to fulfill….If God calls me to a mission, he’ll give ma all tha tiI need. If he wants me in Hollywood, I’ll have the power of the Spirit to accomplish his purposes…I can’t let disconmfort or pain stop me…A mission will bring trial. But will also bring me and others closer to God. And I going to fear with the Spirit on my side? Am I going to lose that joy, purpose and intimacy for comfort?
11.20.09 Marketing SoulCare Day: “God spoke to Jacob, affirming that he had chosen him. Peter says that you too are chosen. Take some time to listen and reflect on the fact that you are a chosen one. How does what God said to Jacob speak to you today?”:Everything seems to speak to me about Hollywood. I hope that its not just a distraction I focus on as a next step. But as I sat with our team, I was sad and afraid. T o leave here, to leave an amazing boss, company, peace and security. When I realize God is somewhere and speaking, it scary, but I is awesome at the same time. ...
Over the last few days I fasted in various manners. A conversation with RH was at hand on 3rd wed and I knew the topic was so serious that I would fast as many in our church do on this day as we seek God. Today as I thought abou tit, (having done 2 days rahte rthan 1) I reflected on how I am almost afraid of being hungry. Anytime that nagging feeling comes, I fill it as quickly as possible, and often to the point of excess. Day 1 of my fast was mostly spiritual. Day 2 was more to realize that I CAN go without food. Then I realized I’m equally afraid of “hunger” in my life. Food, comfort, security. I want every space, worry, void to eb filled. “Never feel pain, never feel discomfort. Fill the nagging void. Take care of myself. Hollywood will require hunger – loneliness, worry, weariness, money concerns, lack of comfort, unfamiliarty, spiritual warfare. As much as it was about food, I heard/saw the phrase “don’t fear hunger.”
As I sit here thinking about ECCU, I was reminded of that phrase. Then recalled that Jeff had a vision of “prepare for the famine”. Upon realizing the connection, I began crying. This is from God. ECCU might go thru famine, I may go through pain in transition. But we need not be afraid. Because as long as God has a mission for us, he will accpomplish it. And when its done, he’ll still be with us. Does not mean ease or constant peace or no stress or no problems. But just like Jacob, he is with us. It might be hard, but he’s there.
“Jacob did not speak to God, but he did speak, expressing faith in God for the first time. What do you want to say to God as you consider the journey he has set you on today?”
“If God will be with me and will keep in me in his way that I go…then the lord shall be my God, and this stone, which I have set up for a pillar, shall be God’s house.” If you provide, I will go. Where God gives vision, there is provision.
Thanks for joining me on this journey. Let the Kingdom come….
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Worship Fully. Spend Less. Give More. Love All.
Worship Fully. Spend Less. Give More. Love All.
These are themes of the Advent Conspiracy movement (www.adventconspiracy.org), a reaction to our consumeristic culture and ideas of how to redeem the Christmas season for what it was originally intended.
Last year I posted a link to their video on my blog, because I loved the idea and was trying to get my mind around how to worship more in the Christmas season. Our pastor pointed out how rich we are in America, and how Christmas is basically a holiday of rich people giving more stuff to other rich people…and that stuck with me.
This year I’m trying to take one more step forward, to better grasp the concept and begin living it out. There are multiple thoughts and ways of how one can do this, including some shared at our church this weekend. I debated on sharing some specific ways of how I’m going to approach this season…because our church also recently talked about “investing in obscurity” and doing good without anyone knowing it as a way to break our pride and seek humility. So, talking about the “good” things I’m doing is an internal debate - it draws attention, but it also points to Christ (hopefully). When one of our pastors shared the way he and his family are sacrificing this season to give to others, I didn’t think “Wow, you’re so cool”….but it simply gave me a real, tangible idea of what I could do. So I hope I can do for others, while primarily holding myself accountable by putting this in writing.
I’ve decided this Christmas needs to be about the concepts above…sacrificing, yet giving more, in order to better understand and serve our Savior. One pastor mentioned that he and his family are eating rice and beans for dinner for the rest of the month, and will use the money they save to give to those in need.
I had already been contemplating fasting more often, because I have seen real value in that in my life recently. So I’ve decided to fast lunch (or an entire day) at least once per week. That way, I can pray during that time and use the money I save to give to someone else in need. And the other lunches I eat each week will be something very simple and inexpensive. I’ve also decided to spend less money on friends and family for Christmas…and will either give presence (rather than presents – another AC idea) or fair trade items that will benefit those who make them (ex-victims of sex trafficking, human slavery, etc, who are making their livelihood from these creations). I have also decided that I won’t make any clothing, jewelry, or just-for-fun purchases for myself until after Christmas.
Jesus coming to earth and then dying for us was the ultimate sacrifice – giving up his rights as God and becoming a servant to all. Shouldn’t I also make this season about sacrificing in order to worship him more and serve others better?
One of my favorite quotes is from Gandhi – “May I live simply that others may simply live.” I’ll admit I haven’t done a great job of living this out much of the time. But in this season of advent – of new beginnings - I’m laying out some steps to help me start dong a better job of allowing others to simply live. I hope you’ll join me.
And if you’ve come up with any brilliant ideas of how to enter into this season (and carry it out even after Christmas ends), leave a comment and let me know. I’d love to hear!
These are themes of the Advent Conspiracy movement (www.adventconspiracy.org), a reaction to our consumeristic culture and ideas of how to redeem the Christmas season for what it was originally intended.
Last year I posted a link to their video on my blog, because I loved the idea and was trying to get my mind around how to worship more in the Christmas season. Our pastor pointed out how rich we are in America, and how Christmas is basically a holiday of rich people giving more stuff to other rich people…and that stuck with me.
This year I’m trying to take one more step forward, to better grasp the concept and begin living it out. There are multiple thoughts and ways of how one can do this, including some shared at our church this weekend. I debated on sharing some specific ways of how I’m going to approach this season…because our church also recently talked about “investing in obscurity” and doing good without anyone knowing it as a way to break our pride and seek humility. So, talking about the “good” things I’m doing is an internal debate - it draws attention, but it also points to Christ (hopefully). When one of our pastors shared the way he and his family are sacrificing this season to give to others, I didn’t think “Wow, you’re so cool”….but it simply gave me a real, tangible idea of what I could do. So I hope I can do for others, while primarily holding myself accountable by putting this in writing.
I’ve decided this Christmas needs to be about the concepts above…sacrificing, yet giving more, in order to better understand and serve our Savior. One pastor mentioned that he and his family are eating rice and beans for dinner for the rest of the month, and will use the money they save to give to those in need.
I had already been contemplating fasting more often, because I have seen real value in that in my life recently. So I’ve decided to fast lunch (or an entire day) at least once per week. That way, I can pray during that time and use the money I save to give to someone else in need. And the other lunches I eat each week will be something very simple and inexpensive. I’ve also decided to spend less money on friends and family for Christmas…and will either give presence (rather than presents – another AC idea) or fair trade items that will benefit those who make them (ex-victims of sex trafficking, human slavery, etc, who are making their livelihood from these creations). I have also decided that I won’t make any clothing, jewelry, or just-for-fun purchases for myself until after Christmas.
Jesus coming to earth and then dying for us was the ultimate sacrifice – giving up his rights as God and becoming a servant to all. Shouldn’t I also make this season about sacrificing in order to worship him more and serve others better?
One of my favorite quotes is from Gandhi – “May I live simply that others may simply live.” I’ll admit I haven’t done a great job of living this out much of the time. But in this season of advent – of new beginnings - I’m laying out some steps to help me start dong a better job of allowing others to simply live. I hope you’ll join me.
And if you’ve come up with any brilliant ideas of how to enter into this season (and carry it out even after Christmas ends), leave a comment and let me know. I’d love to hear!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
They Have Something I Want
Sometimes when I see all of the Facebook posts, Tweets, events, blogs, etc going on and on about social justice and things that we need to take a stand for or against, I wonder if it’s just a cool idea many of us have gotten caught up into. I see that it’s actually easy to get so passionate about doing, that we forget why and who we’re doing it for. If not in the name of Jesus, if not out of love, then it doesn’t really matter.
I could go on about that topic, but that’s for another time. But I’m one of those people who posts a lot of that social justice stuff. Why? That’s what I just asked myself recently, checking my motives. And as I thought about it, I believe my heart and motives are pure. But why do so many of us seem to be getting caught up in social activism and justice, etc? Maybe there’s some aspect of it that’s getting trendy and cool, but the other day, I had a series of conversations and interactions that reminded me why I’m passionate about serving ‘the least of these’ and why so many others are as well. And not just because it's trendy.
I’d just talked to Roland, a homeless man I know who I’m trying to help get home to his family this winter to have a place to stay. It was brief, and incredibly inconvenient (making me late to work), but telling him that I’d gotten the money to send him home was a great joy (thanks to those who donated to make it happen!). His surprise and that all he needed to do was gather up a small bag of belongings and he'd be ready to go, and his simple contentment as he told me about his $11.21 Southern food meal that he would get later at a local joint to fill him up brought a smile to my face.
Later on, as I left the grocery store, a teenage boy stopped me to ask for $.50. I had to ask more, about why he was there and what he needed help for, and we talked a bit about how he’d “F’d” up and been kicked out a year ago, and homeless since. But he said it was pretty easy to get the money for his motel room by asking people, and he didn’t seem to worried about things. He had $20 left to get, but all he’d asked for was $.50…
Later that night I spent a while on the phone with a friend from Hollywood, someone who’s been homeless for a long time and just trying to stay sober and clean and figure out how God fits in his life. He went on and on about how God provides for every one of his needs, takes care of him, keeps him sober and sane when he can’t do it himself. He said that he’s at peace and not worried, because he sees God continually provide even in the smallest ways, and knows that God takes care of his children just as any good father would.
When my tone expressed worry about him, he corrected me saying, "you're worrying about things you don't have control over. Don't worry!"
Today I read an article about Mark Horvath, a man I met a few weeks ago who’s raising a lot of awareness about homelessness because he used to be homeless. He’s used his last money at times, and given away belongings to others in need even though he himself was in need and homeless, or just barely out of homelessness. Because he knew he had to help, and if he didn’t maybe no one would.
As I reflected on these stories, I thought of one more I'd just read in the book “Same Kind of Different as Me” by Ron Hall and Denver Moore. It's about a wealthy, white couple who started volunteering at a rescue mission and how that changed their lives through the people they met. I saw a lot of myself in that book, and I looked back at a few page corners I’d turned down while reading and re-read this portion that so reminded me of me:
Luckily, over the past few years, this pride in me has diminished significantly (though it still lingers and rears its ugly head more than I'd like to admit). I don't think myself superior to others...most of the time, anyway. But sometimes I catch myself in a moment that brings out pride and allows me to be honest and see that, yes, I think I have wisdom to sprinkle into someone's life that they couldn' t possibly have. And perhaps it's true, maybe I have wisdom they don't. But very similarly, they have much wisdom that I don't. When they share it with me, that's when I'm embarrassed at my thinking. I see they've grasped and been given understanding that I have not been able to acheive or understand. They often know things about life and God that I still have so much yet to learn.
Just like Ron Hall…sometimes those of us who have worked hard and persevered to get what we want, and have the "perfect life" and are always striving to do more, end up in a place of pride and judgement. We think we have the right way, we think we have everything and know it all. But when we spend time with those who are so different form us, we get to see God in a new way. I get to see child-like faith that I long for. I’m humbled by those who have “nothing” and yet trust God for everything, while I have “everything” and yet worry about losing it or not having enough.
When I spend time with the poor, orphans, widows, needy, I see who Christ wants me to become. No, not homeless or orphaned…but someone who expresses the type of faith that they so often live their life by. I want to be more like Jesus. And when I’m with these people, I catch a glimpse of what that looks like. I see faith lived out. I see generosity and love and wisdom.
It’s not always easy to swallow that I can be corrected by someone that I think I’m so much ‘wiser’ than. But as I read today, God opposes the proud and exalts the humble. I want to be more like Christ…I think all Christians do.
So why do some of us get so passionate about the causes of the poor, needy and outcasts? Yes, because Jesus tells us to. But also because in these conversations we see something in them that we want, that Jesus wants for us.
Today I read this in a random book at my desk: “Those who seek for much are left in want of much. Happy is the person to whom God has given, with sparing hand, as much as is enough” –Horace.
I think so many people seek to change the world, because as we do so, God changes us as well.
I could go on about that topic, but that’s for another time. But I’m one of those people who posts a lot of that social justice stuff. Why? That’s what I just asked myself recently, checking my motives. And as I thought about it, I believe my heart and motives are pure. But why do so many of us seem to be getting caught up in social activism and justice, etc? Maybe there’s some aspect of it that’s getting trendy and cool, but the other day, I had a series of conversations and interactions that reminded me why I’m passionate about serving ‘the least of these’ and why so many others are as well. And not just because it's trendy.
I’d just talked to Roland, a homeless man I know who I’m trying to help get home to his family this winter to have a place to stay. It was brief, and incredibly inconvenient (making me late to work), but telling him that I’d gotten the money to send him home was a great joy (thanks to those who donated to make it happen!). His surprise and that all he needed to do was gather up a small bag of belongings and he'd be ready to go, and his simple contentment as he told me about his $11.21 Southern food meal that he would get later at a local joint to fill him up brought a smile to my face.
Later on, as I left the grocery store, a teenage boy stopped me to ask for $.50. I had to ask more, about why he was there and what he needed help for, and we talked a bit about how he’d “F’d” up and been kicked out a year ago, and homeless since. But he said it was pretty easy to get the money for his motel room by asking people, and he didn’t seem to worried about things. He had $20 left to get, but all he’d asked for was $.50…
Later that night I spent a while on the phone with a friend from Hollywood, someone who’s been homeless for a long time and just trying to stay sober and clean and figure out how God fits in his life. He went on and on about how God provides for every one of his needs, takes care of him, keeps him sober and sane when he can’t do it himself. He said that he’s at peace and not worried, because he sees God continually provide even in the smallest ways, and knows that God takes care of his children just as any good father would.
When my tone expressed worry about him, he corrected me saying, "you're worrying about things you don't have control over. Don't worry!"
Today I read an article about Mark Horvath, a man I met a few weeks ago who’s raising a lot of awareness about homelessness because he used to be homeless. He’s used his last money at times, and given away belongings to others in need even though he himself was in need and homeless, or just barely out of homelessness. Because he knew he had to help, and if he didn’t maybe no one would.
As I reflected on these stories, I thought of one more I'd just read in the book “Same Kind of Different as Me” by Ron Hall and Denver Moore. It's about a wealthy, white couple who started volunteering at a rescue mission and how that changed their lives through the people they met. I saw a lot of myself in that book, and I looked back at a few page corners I’d turned down while reading and re-read this portion that so reminded me of me:
“I marveled at the intricate tapestry of God's providence. Deborah, led by God to deliver mercy and compassion, had rescued this wreck of a man who, when she fell ill, in turn became her chief intercessor. For nineteen months, he prayed through the night until dawn and delivered the word of God to our door like a kind of heavenly paperboy. I was embarrassed that I once thought myself superior to him, stooping to sprinkle my wealth and wisdom into his lowly life."
Luckily, over the past few years, this pride in me has diminished significantly (though it still lingers and rears its ugly head more than I'd like to admit). I don't think myself superior to others...most of the time, anyway. But sometimes I catch myself in a moment that brings out pride and allows me to be honest and see that, yes, I think I have wisdom to sprinkle into someone's life that they couldn' t possibly have. And perhaps it's true, maybe I have wisdom they don't. But very similarly, they have much wisdom that I don't. When they share it with me, that's when I'm embarrassed at my thinking. I see they've grasped and been given understanding that I have not been able to acheive or understand. They often know things about life and God that I still have so much yet to learn.
Just like Ron Hall…sometimes those of us who have worked hard and persevered to get what we want, and have the "perfect life" and are always striving to do more, end up in a place of pride and judgement. We think we have the right way, we think we have everything and know it all. But when we spend time with those who are so different form us, we get to see God in a new way. I get to see child-like faith that I long for. I’m humbled by those who have “nothing” and yet trust God for everything, while I have “everything” and yet worry about losing it or not having enough.
When I spend time with the poor, orphans, widows, needy, I see who Christ wants me to become. No, not homeless or orphaned…but someone who expresses the type of faith that they so often live their life by. I want to be more like Jesus. And when I’m with these people, I catch a glimpse of what that looks like. I see faith lived out. I see generosity and love and wisdom.
It’s not always easy to swallow that I can be corrected by someone that I think I’m so much ‘wiser’ than. But as I read today, God opposes the proud and exalts the humble. I want to be more like Christ…I think all Christians do.
So why do some of us get so passionate about the causes of the poor, needy and outcasts? Yes, because Jesus tells us to. But also because in these conversations we see something in them that we want, that Jesus wants for us.
Today I read this in a random book at my desk: “Those who seek for much are left in want of much. Happy is the person to whom God has given, with sparing hand, as much as is enough” –Horace.
I think so many people seek to change the world, because as we do so, God changes us as well.
Monday, November 9, 2009
“Dignity, Depravity & Dental Floss”
The following post is a short article written by Jason Kliewer, whose thoughts were so aligned with my own, it's easier to just post his writing than try to write anything similar. Not only have I shared these dental experiences, but also share the depravity of caring too much what people think, and then turning around and judging others for those same faults. So, here you go...enjoy!
I hate going to the dentist. Maybe it’s because I had 95 cavities as a kid. Well, maybe not 95, but at least 7. There are a couple reasons why I avoid the dentist. The first is that it always seems to take at least three shots of Novocain to deaden my gums. Not cool. The second reason is that a visit to the dental office reveals my need for the gospel, and that is also uncomfortable.
Let me explain. Uncomfortable feelings begin when I sit down in the lobby and have to fill out that medical paperwork. My problem arises when I reach question #12 on the form: “How many times a week do you floss?” Now, let’s be honest with ourselves - nobody flosses unless they have just eaten corn-on-the-cob. Nobody. I instantly start to sweat and squirm a little in my seat. I try to skip to question #13, hoping #12 goes away if I ignore it, but it doesn’t. Thankfully, I can actually remember eating corn-on-the-cob about 9-10 days earlier (which, if you factor in things like daylight savings time and leap year and stuff, is basically within a week). So that’s one. Then I remember that Mexican restaurants usually have toothpick dispensers by the cash register, and I like Mexican food a lot. I figure that two toothpick uses probably equals one flossing, and I’m sure I’ve used four toothpicks in the last week. That brings my total flossings (is that a word?) to three. I add one more to the total just in case I’ve forgotten anything, and I intentionally write sloppier than normal, so that the dentist may confuse my 4 for a 9, but I still breathe nervously when I hand in my paperwork, knowing that he will immediately glance down to #12, purse his lips and shake his head in disappointed disgust.
There was one time, however, when I did not have this traumatic experience with Question #12. Quite the opposite, in fact. After going in for a check-up and being told that I needed $13,500 of work done (after insurance!), I went on a military-like dental hygiene regiment. Three different rinses and two flossings each day. Every day. After three months, I visited a new dentist, and for the first time in my life, strutted up to the counter, confidently grabbed the paperwork and took a seat. I hurried through the first several questions, and when I got to #12, sat up straighter in my chair as a sense of pride overwhelmed me. It was one of those times that you read aloud to yourself, pretending like that’s just how you normally read, but you purposely talk loud enough for other patients to overhear. I wrote dark and neat, “14”, and nodded to myself, convinced that other patients would not only think I was an incredible flossing rock star, but would feel that they were, at-best, mediocre humans who really should be ashamed.
Both of these examples, although mundane and ordinary, revealed that I need the gospel on a daily basis. Later, questions came to mind such as: “Why was I embarrassed to admit my poor flossing habits to a dentist? Someone I didn’t even know?” and, “After I had flossed regularly, why did I enjoy belittling others?” This was about dental hygiene, but it was about so much more than dental hygiene.
In the first dental visit mentioned, I was uncomfortable because the thought of criticism threatened my sense of worth. Internal fears were triggered that told me I was unacceptable. I had not done enough good things to make me “good enough”. When I recognized the lies, I could preach the gospel to myself. This good news is that I have eternal value and worth because I am uniquely created in the image of God, by Him and for Him. Furthermore, because I have Christ in me, the Father calls me His son and I am always accepted by Him. I am “okay”. When I lose sight of my God-given dignity and believe that what I do (or don’t do) determines who I am, a dentist’s opinion is threatening. When I embrace the truth that I am a beloved child of God, I can relax and rest, free from this potential shame.
In the second office visit, my need for the gospel displayed itself in a different way. I was prideful and arrogant because I had worked hard and knew that I would have the dentist’s approval. And, to reinforce myself of how amazing I was, I looked down on others around me and was thankful I was not like them-irresponsible “non-flossers”. Just as I had to preach the gospel to myself when I was “not good enough”, so I needed to when I was “too good.” God’s message to me is that no matter how many commendable things I do, or how great people think I am, I am messed up! We all are. All of us are sick with sin and we need help- help that can only come from Christ’s life, death, and resurrection. When I lose sight of my depravity, I live like I don’t need God, because I can become “acceptable” on my own. In focusing on my self-achieved goodness, I look down on others because I see them as “worse” than me. The truth is that I am no more loved by God, no matter how much good I do. He perfectly loves terrorists, murderers, and non-flossers as much as he loves me.
Every day we are given opportunities to face up to - and embrace - both dignity and depravity. This can lead us to the gospel and to God…a God who brings freedom from shame and pride, and who uses even dental floss to draw us near to Himself.
Let me explain. Uncomfortable feelings begin when I sit down in the lobby and have to fill out that medical paperwork. My problem arises when I reach question #12 on the form: “How many times a week do you floss?” Now, let’s be honest with ourselves - nobody flosses unless they have just eaten corn-on-the-cob. Nobody. I instantly start to sweat and squirm a little in my seat. I try to skip to question #13, hoping #12 goes away if I ignore it, but it doesn’t. Thankfully, I can actually remember eating corn-on-the-cob about 9-10 days earlier (which, if you factor in things like daylight savings time and leap year and stuff, is basically within a week). So that’s one. Then I remember that Mexican restaurants usually have toothpick dispensers by the cash register, and I like Mexican food a lot. I figure that two toothpick uses probably equals one flossing, and I’m sure I’ve used four toothpicks in the last week. That brings my total flossings (is that a word?) to three. I add one more to the total just in case I’ve forgotten anything, and I intentionally write sloppier than normal, so that the dentist may confuse my 4 for a 9, but I still breathe nervously when I hand in my paperwork, knowing that he will immediately glance down to #12, purse his lips and shake his head in disappointed disgust.
There was one time, however, when I did not have this traumatic experience with Question #12. Quite the opposite, in fact. After going in for a check-up and being told that I needed $13,500 of work done (after insurance!), I went on a military-like dental hygiene regiment. Three different rinses and two flossings each day. Every day. After three months, I visited a new dentist, and for the first time in my life, strutted up to the counter, confidently grabbed the paperwork and took a seat. I hurried through the first several questions, and when I got to #12, sat up straighter in my chair as a sense of pride overwhelmed me. It was one of those times that you read aloud to yourself, pretending like that’s just how you normally read, but you purposely talk loud enough for other patients to overhear. I wrote dark and neat, “14”, and nodded to myself, convinced that other patients would not only think I was an incredible flossing rock star, but would feel that they were, at-best, mediocre humans who really should be ashamed.
Both of these examples, although mundane and ordinary, revealed that I need the gospel on a daily basis. Later, questions came to mind such as: “Why was I embarrassed to admit my poor flossing habits to a dentist? Someone I didn’t even know?” and, “After I had flossed regularly, why did I enjoy belittling others?” This was about dental hygiene, but it was about so much more than dental hygiene.
In the first dental visit mentioned, I was uncomfortable because the thought of criticism threatened my sense of worth. Internal fears were triggered that told me I was unacceptable. I had not done enough good things to make me “good enough”. When I recognized the lies, I could preach the gospel to myself. This good news is that I have eternal value and worth because I am uniquely created in the image of God, by Him and for Him. Furthermore, because I have Christ in me, the Father calls me His son and I am always accepted by Him. I am “okay”. When I lose sight of my God-given dignity and believe that what I do (or don’t do) determines who I am, a dentist’s opinion is threatening. When I embrace the truth that I am a beloved child of God, I can relax and rest, free from this potential shame.
In the second office visit, my need for the gospel displayed itself in a different way. I was prideful and arrogant because I had worked hard and knew that I would have the dentist’s approval. And, to reinforce myself of how amazing I was, I looked down on others around me and was thankful I was not like them-irresponsible “non-flossers”. Just as I had to preach the gospel to myself when I was “not good enough”, so I needed to when I was “too good.” God’s message to me is that no matter how many commendable things I do, or how great people think I am, I am messed up! We all are. All of us are sick with sin and we need help- help that can only come from Christ’s life, death, and resurrection. When I lose sight of my depravity, I live like I don’t need God, because I can become “acceptable” on my own. In focusing on my self-achieved goodness, I look down on others because I see them as “worse” than me. The truth is that I am no more loved by God, no matter how much good I do. He perfectly loves terrorists, murderers, and non-flossers as much as he loves me.
Every day we are given opportunities to face up to - and embrace - both dignity and depravity. This can lead us to the gospel and to God…a God who brings freedom from shame and pride, and who uses even dental floss to draw us near to Himself.
by Jason Kliewer
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