What is your name?

"What is your name?"

Jesus asks this to a demon possessed man in the book of Mark. Lately, I have been pondering the questions that Jesus asks in the gospels. Why does he ask them? What is he getting at? And how would I respond?

In bible times names meant something, stood for something. They weren't randomly chosen names that sounded cool to the parents giving the name. In part, they defined a person or something about them.

So why does Jesus ask this? He already knows the man's name. he man responds that his name is Legion, because he is possessed by so many demons. But that's not his birth-given name, that's not who he really is. But now that defines him. It's who he's become and what gives him his identity. He's completely controlled by demons, so that is how he sees himself and how others view him as well.

I considered this question, wondering how I would respond. What is my name? How do I see and define myself? We all seem to have some sort of facade, some "name" the defines how we see ourselves. When I meet people on the streets of Hollywood, I will be looking a male in the face (though he's probably dressed in women's clothing) and hear him tell me his name is "Peaches" or "Crystal". Clearly, that's not his real name. But it's the identity he's taken upon himself, how he wants clients and other prostitutes to see and understand him. He feels more like a woman than a man, and so he's created an identity to align with that. Or I meet drug dealers or homeless men going by "Red" or "Shadow Warrior" or some other creative street name. Again, they weren't given these names, but it's how they want to be seen now and an identity they've either created or taken on during their time on the streets.

In Paul's letters to the early church he generally identifies himself in the beginning, not just as Paul but with a description like, "a servant of the Lord Jesus Christ" or "chosen to be an Apostle"...or for John it was "the disciple whom Jesus loved."

'So', I thought, 'if I were asked that question, what would my response be?' Is my initial, instinctive answer, "daughter of God" or "servant of Christ" or "a child that is loved by God"? Honestly, no. I think my first response, especially if wanting to define myself to someone, would be, a daughter and sister, a marketing professional, a health and fitness enthusiast, someone in leadership in ministry, an employee for my brother's company, a Christian, a friend. These things define who I am, what I do, what's important to me, they give me value - regardless of whether or not they should. I see myself in light of these roles, and want others to recognize those as well. As I considered my identity and "name", even though I knew the correct, Sunday school answer would be "child of God" or something along those lines, I was troubled by the honest answer. Yes, my identity in Christ is huge for me, it's shapes me and the way I live. But is that the only thing that gives me my worth and defines me? Why isn't my first and most important answer, "servant of Christ", "woman that God loves" my 100% honest, initial answer? Is that enough for me, or am I seeking so much significance and validity in my other roles that I feel the need to tack those on to my identity as God's child? Why isn't it enough for me to say that I belong to God without claiming my importance in the gifts and roles he's blessed me with. Am I more wrapped up in those things that I see myself through the lens of what I do, rather than who Christ says I am?Am I serving those areas of my life more than I'm serving Christ?

I don't really have all of the answers to those questions at this point. But I know they're worth asking and dwelling on until I find more answers. Because I want to be so sold out and obsessed with Christ and his kingdom-building that my natural response is, "I'm a servant of Christ. I'm Holly, which means, 'Holy One'." I'm holy because God has made me holy through his son. I'm a saint and a bearer of His name and good news, and that's all that matters."

Where these questions lead, and how to get to the point of finding my entire identity in who God says I am...I don't really know yet. But it's something worth thinking about, day after day, until I figure it out..or get as close as I can to figuring it out.

Moving Thoughts

"...Here was an admitted addict and user openly proclaiming Christ in his community and asking how he could serve us. What do you do when a good tree bears bad fruit, or a bad tree bears good fruit? Look harder. What's your definition of a Christian? Is it broad enough to encompass the drug dealers, primps, prostitutes, and broken people of the world? Jesus said that he came to heal the sick. Drug addicts are messed up just the same as liars are messed up, just the same as all humans are messed up. We all need Jesus. We all struggle with personal ways in which sin plays itself out in our lives. What's worse? To not do dope or to not love your brother? Why do we kick drug users out of the church while quietly ignoring those who aren't dealing with other, equally destructive sins? Why do we reject the loving, self-sacrificing, giving, encouraging, Jesus-pursuing drug addict but recruit the clean, self-interested, gossiping, loveless churchgoer?Which one do you suppose Jesus would rather share a burrito with under a bridge?"-Mike Yankoski, Under the Overpass

I’ve been reading this book lately, Under the Overpass, written by Mike Yankoski, who chose to be homeless for 5 months to put his faith to the test and see how it would survive outside of the comfortable life he was used to. Between that and my own experiences doing ministry in Hollywood, my thinking has been greatly challenged. And it has led me to great discouragement with the American church. Which includes myself – I have grown more frustrated with my own Christianity. When I try to look at my life, and those around me, from the perspective of a homeless person, or an outcast in society who has nothing, it troubles me. In his book, Yankoski recalls a moment when a family stops by the restaurant he and his friend are sitting outside of to look at the menu. They mention something about generosity and the Holy Spirit….and then walk away, completely ignoring the two homeless men sitting on the street. How often have I done the same? Pretend that if people aren’t there, they won’t notice me, won’t hear what I say or observe my hypocrisy. And then I read a part like the one quoted above, and recall times I have seen it myself – those we ignore or condemn for their lifestyles, being more gracious and generous than we who call ourselves Christians are. How often have I harmed the name of Christ by ignoring the needs of those around me, or by looking down on someone different from me, as if I’m any better?

Most of us are so used to our comfortable lives that it seems preposterous not to have a car, or a cell phone…we have to diet because we have too much to eat….and we all live the same kind of comfortable lives and seem to get lost in our Christian bubbles. We spend our time with our Christian families, friends, in church, and even lost in our own biblical studies. And none of that is bad…fellowship and discipleship is critical. But when do we step out of that comfort zone and actually live out our faith amongst those who have never heard? Or those who have bad perceptions of Christians, and then try to change that?

I recently found myself almost angry at the cute, inspiriational decorations in a family member’s home, which we probably all have some of…and at the way we can basically ignore waiters and store clerks and homeless people…and then pour out our hearts and generosity to other Christians. We are great at loving each other and encouraging one another. But why don’t we do it with strangers? With those living in darkness and hopelessness? How real is our faith?

And I’m just as frustrated with myself as with others. I go to Hollywood every week and know the store owners, those who frequent the streets, and I go out of my way to make contact, build relationships, and talk about Jesus with everyone I meet, even when they think we’re crazy. And yet during the week I go to the gym, the store, and other places on a regular basis, and am so wrapped up in my own life and introversion and schedule that I say as little as possible and go on my way. I smile and treat people kindly and think that will lead them to Christ. So why the disconnect?

My main reason for posting this rant is that an idea struck me recently, which shouldn’t be so revolutionary…it should just be a normal way of living. But I am moving to a new city. About 20 minutes away, so it’s not far or much different, but it’s a new city. And with this fresh start, I thought, “I need to live missionally. I want to be intentional about relationships here. To get to know the store owners and workers and receptionists and neighbors that I see on a regular basis. And to be as bold as I am in Hollywood. I shouldn’t have to go somewhere else to live out my faith, I should do it the same everywhere I go.” And for some accountability and my own reminder, I’m writing about it publicly. In a few months, I want to walk into my local Trader Joe’s or Target and greet the employees by name and know some of their story. I want to buy food for the hungry and share my life with anyone who might be living on the street. I want to give my time to those who have no friends, and share the gospel with those living without hope. I want my life to look different to my own community…so that as a Christian I’m not just another religious person, but someone that reflects Christ and makes the lost think differently of Him…and want to come to Him.

“I do this because my faith tells me to. The bible clearly says, if you see someone hungry, feed them; if you see someone naked, clothe them. Those words weren’t written for us to make books and sermons about. They’re written so people don’t go hungry or naked. And they require action from all followers of Christ, not just the rescue missions. Anyway, that’s how I see it. So I’m trying to live my life that way and be pleasing to Jesus.” (excerpt from Under the Overpass, spoken by a guy who takes pizza to the homeless in San Francisco on a regular basis)

Embracing Accusation, by Shane and Shane

The father of lies Coming to steal, kill and destroy All my hopes of being good enough I hear him saying cursed are the ones Who can’t abide He’s right, Alleluia he’s right!

The devil is preaching The song of the redeemed That I am cursed and gone astray I cannot gain salvation Embracing accusation

Could the father of lies Be telling the truth Of God to me tonight?

If the penalty of sin is death Then death is mine I hear him saying cursed are the ones Who can’t abide He’s right, Alleluia he’s right!

Oh the devil’s singing over me An age old song That I am cursed and gone astray Singing the first verse so conveniently He’s forgotten the refrain:

JESUS SAVES!

2007

I don't get God. I don't understand how something I can't see gives me peace. Or comfort or hope. I've never seen God, I've never heard his audible voice. Yet I've seen him, heard him, and been moved by him. It completely baffles me...sometimes I feel like I'm crazy, maybe it's just a weird idea I live with to make life seem easier. But He turns things upside down. Bad becomes good, and good becomes bad...depression becomes joy and joy turns to service and humility and humility makes me happier than being proud. It's very strange, but it's true. I've seen it this past year of my life like never before.

I was reflecting recently on 2007, being that it is the start of the new year and that's what we're supposed to do. Emotionally, it was one of the worst seasons of my life. And yet as I look back on it, it's been the very best year of my almost 25 years. That's what God does. I lost something that I thought was so important to me, that I thought was so valuable. But God gives and He takes away...and to that I say: blessed be the name of the Lord. He used someone in my life for almost 2 years to show me more of who He is. And then he wanted to show me more and give me greater joy and blessing, so he took it away. And in being lowered, I was lifted up. My eyes were opened to the world and all of its experiencse and opportunities. I learned to love God more, and experienced fellowship and community...and those both fall under the two greatest commandments that God has for us.

God flipped the tables as he so often does...and by losing some control, letting go of a treasure, he opened my eyes to his wonders anew. This year I chose two ways to deal with the hurt, confusion, frustration and loss. God - and a deeper pursuit of him, and life - new experiences and a greater joy in people. I found deep satisfaction in learning new things and tasting and seeing more of what this blessed life has to offer. I learned how to surf, I spent more time at the beach, I learned ballroom dancing, I worked out harder, I went out dancing, attended amazing concerts, started doing ministry on the streets, learned guitar, began writing more and hearing people's stories, went swing-dancing, made new friends, had dinners with various people, and so much more. I saw God in all of these places, awakening my senses to all that is around me that I had missed before.

And in pursuing God deeper, I came to a greater understanding of who he is and what he desires for me. I learned to love God, not for his blessings, but for who He is. I came to appreciate sacrifice and pain because it brings me closer to him and increases my dependence on God. And through it all, he gave me greater compassion for others, a heart for the hurting and poor in spirit, a desire to help, a love for people, and a vision for my future...which I haven't had in quite some time. I feel like I've never been so near to God, and that is the best part of this year. And I've never been so close to my Christian community, and that is the second best part. And still, God has given me so many other blessings through family, friends, work, experiences, lessons learned.

I could probably go on and on about the details...although much of it is captured previously in my blogs. But I'll simply say that God is good, that he makes all things new and turns everything upside down in order to bring him glory. And being a part of that has brought me more joy than anything else in this life. Living in surrender to him and his plans, and releasing the grasp on my own life and dreams is the best way I have ever lived, and I look forward to seeing what he has to teach me in 2008!

A story of God's grace, Written for 'MOTION'

The unwelcome shrill of the alarm clock beeps incessantly. Birds chirp cheerily outside the window, accompanied by the hum of early morning traffic rushing through the street….

These are the noises that awaken many of us to each new day. We turn on the morning news as we sip our first cup of coffee, or listen to music as we prepare for the day, or chat with a spouse about upcoming plans over the dog’s loud barking and children arguing over who gets the toy in the cereal box. Traffic reports flood our ears on the drive to work, where we try to tune out the drone of a dull co-worker or listen intently to customers on the phone lines. After work we might head to the gym where we converse with acquaintances or listen to our ipods, before going home and calling a friend or sharing dinner with family in a boisterous restaurant.

These are the sounds of our everyday lives. Sounds that we take for granted.

But what if one day, you couldn’t hear the alarm? Or listen to the news or hear your kids; couldn’t make a regular phone call or hear the honk of a horn, warning you of impending danger on the freeway. Couldn’t hear the waves crashing at the beach or stand in church and sing along to the beautiful music that stirs up your heart?

For most people, losing such a critical sense may sound like a nightmare. Yet it is a daily reality that many face. In the case of Rudy Campos, part of the deaf community at RockHarbor, it is the story of his life.

The first ten years of Rudy’s life were fairly normal while growing up in a Christian family and attending elementary school. Rudy’s brother went deaf as a toddler, so the Campos family learned sign language and began to adjust to the special requirements that his brother needed.

Life changed dramatically when Rudy hit the age of ten. Not only were some minor hearing problems getting worse, but he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Doctors began telling him that he would probably lose his hearing completely, but he didn’t believe them, sure that his hearing problems were just temporary and would clear up. But the doctors were right.

At 11 years old, Rudy became sick with spinal meningitis and went deaf as a result. He quickly had to learn how to go between two worlds – that of the hearing, and of the deaf. Between those that only accept someone if they are deaf, and those who do not know how to accept someone if they are. “It was a mess, being torn between two cultures,” he recalls. “I grew up in fear. I was changed and worried that the world wouldn’t accept that.”

The loss of hearing was not only hard for Rudy, but for his family as well.
They had become accustomed to having one deaf son, but his parents still felt helpless and unable to do anything, though Rudy says, “It wasn’t their fault. It’s a part of life. Life isn’t perfect, everybody knows that.”

Rudy’s high school years were terrible, struggling to fit in and requiring an interpreter for all of his classes. “A lot of deaf people don’t have the ability to articulate like I do. It is frowned upon because to some people it means that is the level of intelligence they have,” Rudy explains.

Rudy admits that at times he ran away from God, trying to deal with his difficulties and figure out how to fit in and be accepted. At that point in his life, acceptance meant going to parties and drinking with friends.

“I was angry, punching my brother and damaging things….It was my release and way of dealing with what I was going through.” He began seeing a therapist who pointed out how lost and angry he was, upset at having something taken away from him. “She said, ‘It wasn’t God that took it away from you’.” And after that conversation at age 16, Rudy says his anger disappeared, “Instead of shaking my fist, I reached out to God.”

During college Rudy was thrown a new set of struggles. He once again found it difficult to function with hearing impairment while not yet fully integrated into deaf culture. Then at age 22, the thyroid cancer came back.

“I was at the point that I wanted to give up on my faith. I thought ‘this is too much, I don’t want to be sick anymore.’ It was turmoil for a year….three times I came close to dying. And it’s hard because it hurts your family and your friends because they love you…and you realize they’re suffering more than you ever can. And when you’re a person that puts other people first, this is the only time you can’t, because you’re the one they’re worried about”.

Now age 25, Rudy has overcome cancer twice and when he reflects on his life has determined, “If I don’t accept my deafness, then I’m not accepting God.”

Still, life for the hearing impaired presents a unique set of challenges and frustrations that many people never think about. They can’t go to movies unless there are captions, order fast food, go to the doctor without an interpreter, and have a hard time asking for directions or for help at a store. Job opportunities are scarce because so many require phone communication, and deaf employees are considered a liability.

Despite limitations, Rudy worked from the time he was fifteen, doing everything from life-guarding, to coaching swimming, to teaching CPR and coaching at the Special Olympics. Rudy speaks passionately when he say, “God has used my deafness, my cancer and my life to be an example to people to say that things will happen to you, you may lose something and you may never get it back, but you can put it to good use…. No matter if you’re sick, no matter if you’re dying, you can still serve people.”

A few years ago Rudy started attending RockHarbor and appreciated that the deaf were integrated with everyone else and not put in a separate room like many places he had been to before. “My life really started changing when I came to RockHarbor because I found the right kind of acceptance.”

Yet trying to get involved in church was still a challenge. Rudy was apprehensive to join any groups or participate in events like Serve Day. “People seem to have a fear. They don’t want to hurt me, or miscommunicate something and upset me. And I’m thinking, ‘No, you don’t have to worry about it’,” Rudy says of those unfamiliar with the deaf community.

But what about worship? What is that like for someone who can’t hear the music or close their eyes while they listen to prayer? Rudy responds, “My eyes kind of listen for me, I can feel the music a little bit, I watch the interpreters sign…or I pray with somebody, shoulder to shoulder. It’s incredible, its like everything is shut off and everything inside your body fires up and you’re getting 150% because you don’t have your hearing. It’s an incredible position. It just brings you to your knees.”

Rudy also experiences physical worship through weekly communion, about which he says: “We owe God so much. No matter how much you do in life, you can never do enough. That’s the best thing about God; you can do so much more every single day, there’s always another thing you can do. And we do that at communion, we thank him for his blood and for carrying the cross all the way up that hill… I thank him every day for making me who I am…’Thank you Lord for putting me in my place, thank you for the cancer.”

God recently closed the door on working for Rudy, but has opened a window to go back to college to be an Occupational Therapist Assistant. “He put me in a humble position again. It’s a struggle financially, emotionally; sometimes I feel like I’m useless. But he taught me that it’s for a reason, to regain humility, to know what it’s like to struggle, to be thankful for every small scrape of anything you get.”

When asked if there’s anything else that Rudy would like people to know, he replies with a smile, “Don’t be afraid to try anything in faith…no matter how hard difficulties are in life, don’t be afraid to try anything, because you don’t know how much you’re missing out….best to take that extra step of faith…adversity can be overcome, faith is all it takes.”