Holy Crap Moment

Holy Crap.

Have you ever had one of those moments with the Holy Spirit, where ideas and questions and confusion all intersect - and in my case end up crying - because Jesus is so near it’s unbelievable? He reveals himself, or an answer, in such a way that you know he’s come just to speak something to you alone? And the only response, aside from crying, is ‘holy crap!’?

I actually feel as though I’ve had several of those of the last year or so and I just had one right now. I’ve been reading the book of Ezekiel, which I’ve read only once or twice before, and apparently without much depth of study, because I feel like I’m reading it for the first time and finding it fascinating. It has raised many questions for me, most of which I have not found any answers in. It has made me uncomfortable, put me in tears, left me wondering, and provided much insight.

To be more specific, it has directly been speaking to the ministry I am involved with in Hollywood each week. Part of the fascination is that there are so many comparisons to God’s people being and acting like prostitutes. And it takes on an entirely different meaning when you actually have friends who are prostitutes. It’s given me a clearer idea of what God is talking about, and it’s given me thoughts to share with those people about their lifestyle, idolatry, and God’s intentions for his people.

My post previous to this one was written after sitting outside at lunch, crying through most of my break as I read Ezekiel; questions formulating in my head, and my heart breaking for those prostitutes and others who don’t know Him.

God sends Ezekiel out, telling him that people won’t listen to his message, that their hearts have been hardened, but to go out anyway. I wanted to scream, “WHY?? God, this makes no sense! You can soften their hearts and bring them to you, why harden them?” Part of my tears were also a realization that while at times it may be discouraging, our job is not to convert. It is to speak, to share the gospel, and to go where God sends us. The results are up to him. And this has been confirmed to me more than once since, and which was part of my 'Holy Crap' moment earlier, which I will explain in a bit. God also repeatedly speaks about how people will know that He is the Lord by the consequences that his people suffer and by the way that their nations fall – this seems so counter-intuitive to me. We hear about God’s glory being displayed by the great things he does, not by his destruction. Doesn’t this make him look bad, take his glory away? Apparently, that is not always the case. And as I read this book I watch Ezekiel having to do so many crazy things, demonstrating God’s prophecies to the people with his own life: shaving his head and beard, not being able to speak unless it is to prophecy, and even not being able to mourn after his wife dies as a demonstration of yet another of God’s messages. Are you kidding me?
On that same day that I read about Ezekiel not wanting to go, but going anyway. Wow…he felt it too. God asks him to do so many seemingly ridiculous things…and he always obeys. And nothing changes, the people are still rebellious and don’t listen. How does that not leave you with questions swirling through your head? And so often, God does not answer our questions…but oh, how hard it is when you have looked into the eyes of so many hopeless, homeless, hardened prostitutes and drug addicts and want them so badly to feel God’s presence in their lives. God, why do you send us and yet do nothing?

This afternoon, however, as I took a break from studying for a Sociology Exam and read part of our church’s newspaper called Motion, God spoke. Part of the reason for the Holy Crap response was the fascination in the ways God speaks sometimes. I can’t find an answer as I read Ezekiel, or even the study notes, I can get no answer from friends I’ve asked about this. But from one person who shared his story of a new experience with our church, someone who may never know that their story answered some of my questions, and who is still a seminary student simply speaking an honest response…God spoke to me so clearly that it left me in awe. This person had a brief but powerful encounter which he expected God to use, and ended up disappointed and with some of the same questions. The conclusion to his story is this: “The encounter I had with Stephanie was probably one of several that God was and is and will continue to orchestrate. My obedience didn’t guarantee me anything. God does not have to continue the story through me. He chooses who and when and why. All He wanted me to do was obey in that moment. The perfect ending to this story was never dependent upon what I did or did not do. My job is not to ensure that I’m around at the ending. My job is only to obey the Storyteller so He alone emerges as the true Hero.”

And there it was…the Holy Spirit in newsprint form. How narrow-minded of me. I don’t know the end of these people’s story. I don’t know how God will use my obedience, or if he is in the process of softening hearts, regardless of my blindness to it. How do I know he’s not doing anything? Do I have to see the end? Or is He using some encounters simply to shape me? And if I was there, until the end, to see the happy ending, would I take some kind of credit for it? If I see no good to what I’m doing, but that person ends up coming to Christ, is it not God who emerges as the true Hero? If he brings someone to Him, when it looks like it’s impossible, I can only give credit to him - it has nothing to do with me, or anyone in the ministry. Did Ezekiel know that his story would continue, preserved in hundreds of written languages forever? No, but he obeyed, he was faithful even when it seemed fruitless. God did the rest. Will I ever understand God, or why he does what he does? Hardly. My job is only to obey the Storyteller so He alone emerges as the true Hero.

His Grace is Sufficient

Over the last few days, I have been praying that God would give me a better understanding of both his power and might, that I might tremble in reverence before him; and also that I would be able to grasp his grace and mercy towards us, that pleasing him would me my greatest and only concern in light of who He is and how gracious he has been to me when I only deserve death. Because, it's true that God is our friend and father, but far too often I make him just that, so much less than all that he is, and don't come before Him in awe as creator of the universe. Last night, in Hollywood, God in his mercy gently began to open my eyes to his grace in my life... I just returned from my lunch break, where I spent a good portion of it crying because of the darkness and depth of despair that I have witnessed in this sick world. Last night I spent my evening in Hollywood, as I do every Thursday. For some time I wandered around with a young "girl" who even i have a hard time remembering that he is actually a transvestite, born as a man. He spent most of his time looking for work, getting groped by some strange man, and taking a few hits of marijuana. Apparently the week before he had come to our bible study, but was completely drunk and left with a scary looking man. After our bible study I sat with Antquan and a homeless man that we know well. He talked about his time in prison, his transgender girlfriend, pan-handling, and the car dealership that he sleeps at. The rest of the evening I sat with a17 year-old boy who recently ran away from a group home and is now living on the streets and prostituting for money. There are some people who seem to stick in my mind more than others, for whatever reason, and this was one of them. Many people either deny or hide their unhappiness...this was not one of those. He could barely smile, and almost started crying as he talked about how he has no hopes or dreams anymore believing that they would never come true, so he never lets his mind go there anymore. It was hard to find things to talk to him about, because everything seems to be depressing to him. He has aboslutely no hope and no happiness, and the sadness in his eyes is still seared into my brain. And it hit me after talking to me...what makes me any different? He was born to parents who abandoned him and has been in and out of foster/group care his whole life. I was born to loving, middle-class white parents and well taken care of. I did absolutely nothing to deserve the life I've been given. Granted, I have probably made some better choices based on my family and God-given wisdom and Holy Spirit, so my life has turned out well. And perhaps this young man has made some poor choices to end up where he is. But still, I have done nothing to deserve what God has given me. Why is that?...Well, His Grace. For some reason, God chose to give me great parents, great family, a nice place to live, and wisdom to make good decisions. I have a home, more food than I need, a great job to go to every day, and plenty of opportunity to do new things, see new places, continue my education, etc. When I look into the eyes of these people, I think...that could be me. I could be in the same place in my life if God had chose to put me in a different situation. There is nothing that makes me more deserving, except that God has been so merciful to me and allowed me to know him. I still have so much more to learn about his grace, mercy and compassion...so much that it causes me to fall to my knees...but this was a step in that direction. When you see with your own eyes what you have been saved from, how can you not turn and worship your Savior?