Christmas Reflections

The long-anticipated morning was so close, just a few hours before the kids would go to bed and wake up to warm, cozy house filled with cheery sounds of Christmas music floating up into their rooms as they arose. Their sleep would be cut short, too excited by the prospects of the presents that awaited them downstairs beneath their tree.

It was finally Christmas Eve, and every year after church service, a nice dinner, and watching Scrooge, the kids woul put on their pajamas and scurry down to the basement to begin bringing beautifully wrapped Christmas presents up to place under the glowing Christmas tree in the family room. The family would wrap and store the presents downstairs, where the dog couldn't get to them, until the last minute on Christmas eve. The three kids would excitedly carry them all upstairs, checking the tags to see which presents were for them and mentally tallying who had the most. Guesses about what was inside ran through their heads as they carried each one up and placed it under the tree, the stack growing larger and larger. They laughed and joked and squealed with joy as they anticipated what they would find inside the next morning, discover who had given them what, and think about having all day to play with their new treasures.

But maybe the most exciting was that, when those final presents had been set under the tree, and the kids had all surveyed how much was there and went to bed wondering how many hours it would take them this year to get through all of the presents, was that they all knew in the morning there would be even more. Their mom would be up late wrapping more presents she hadn't had time to wrap yet, as she did every year, and then their parents would top off their stockings with little gifts and treats, and finally place "Santa presents" among the piles - unwrapped gifts to start their morning of quickly before they dug into the rest of the boxes. So even though they'd seen what was sitting beneath the tree when they went to bed, they would wake up to many new surprises. They'd get out of bed, wait for their parents to finish preparing everything as always - a fully set breakfast table, lights on the tree, music playing, stockings about to burst, a mounds of glorious presents all wrapped differently with love and care. Their parents would be waiting for them with the cameras to capture their thrilled looks and bliss as the bright lights and beautiful colors around the family room captured their gaze; and as their eyes began to settle on the "Santa presents" with shouts and squeals of excitement while their dreams were finally fulfilled....

This is how I've grown up knowing Christmas to be. It's always been one of the best times of the year, if not the very best. My family's Christmas is steeped in tradition, practically every part of the day and Christmas Eve marked out the same way each year. And we were blessed financially, always enough money to give us just about all of our heart's desires. The presents always stacked up more and more each year, and we would rejoice if our present-opening time took an hour longer than the previous year. We wanted to stretch out that day as long as possible. And of course we knew it was about Jesus. Along with the presents, we always went to church, spent time as a family caroling, reading the Christmas story, praying together, and usually reading a book or sharing a story that had someone in tears. When we went to bed, we had done so after worshipping and knowing what the season was about. But before we were even asleep, our minds were already set on the stuff we would get the next day...wondering how much of our Christmas list was fulfilled. And I actually remember multiple years that I now recall with embarassment; years that I didn't get a certain gift I had really wanted, and that after all the presents had been opened and I realized I didn't get exactly what I'd asked for, I felt bitter and pouty. It just about makes me sick to think about now, how grateful I should have been and wasn't so many of those years. How bad I feel for my mom who poured hours and so much energy into making the day great for us, and I acted to spoiled to even appreciate it, probably just making her feel bad. Still, those Christmases were always so special, filled with so much love and joy and wonderful family time...they're some of my very best memories.

But finally in the last few years I've started to get it. As traditions that I so tightly held onto have changed with spouses and kids and natural change, I've been forced to let go of what I have always known Christmas to be.With the help of church and life circumstances and maturity, I've taken some time and space and deliberate thought to actually prepare for the season. Not in a material sense, but in a spiritual way. It's taken me many years, but I'm kind of starting over and looking at Christmas the way it should be seen. About worship, about God and the gift of his son, about us giving gifts back to Him in honor and praise, and not about me or stuff or what I think the day should be. I don't have a family yet, but I consider how I'll celebrate it with my kids when I have them - will we give each other many presents? Will we serve others? How do I make is special and warm and full of delight and memories for them without doing it for the wrong reasons?

I watched a video on www.adventconspiracy.com this year, which wrapped up how I was feeling about things. Why do I stress so much and spend so much money to find perfect gifts for everyone and let the season go by without taking time for people, and time for Jesus many years? It seems totally backwards. And this website is dealing with just that issue. Give presence, not presents. Give money away to help the hungry, needy, poor, lonely...not give more stuff to those who are already rich. As our pastor reminded us this weekend, if you own a car you're in the top 8% of wealth in the world. Do we really need to give each other more stuff? Is that what Jesus' birth was about? Did the wise men give gifts to each other? Did Jesus come so we could have a day to give and receive more things that won't last? Yes, it's a great time to be with family, a time to show you care and are thinking about each other through giving to one another. But I think this video sums up all that I really want to say about it. I want to change the way I do Christmas - give less stuff, give more time, and give the money I've saved to those who really need it. Use this time to use our blessings to be a blessing, as God has intended.

So to steal more ideas from this video in lack of my own brilliance, I'll end this post with their quote:

Spend less on gifts
Give more presence
Love like Jesus

Merry Christmas :)

Fasting

"And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites...but when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face..."-Matthew 6:16

Our pastor recently pointed out during a sermon the fact that the way Jesus addresses the topic of fasting indicates that it's assumed his followers will be fasting. This comes after he talks about praying, which is another normal assumption of the Christian life. Yet how many of us actually fast on a regular basis...or at all? I know I don't. I mean, I have a few times, but it's definitely not a regular part of my life. Sure, I've thought about it many times since taking a class on spiritual disciplines and practicing fasting at that time. But it's hard...I think about doing it, and the idea of going hungry, being tired, trying to concentrate at work with no energy, being distracted by hunger pangs all day long...and somehow I always manage to find an excuse. I know how beneficial it can be, and yet I still can't bring myself to do it.

But it struck me this weekend that I really do need to make a more regular practice of this discipline. And I'm specifically talking about food, but I could make a regular habit of fasting other things as well. Our church called us to fast this past Friday, and some people did it all week, others fasted various things beyond food. I wrote earlier about this...fasting activity, spending money, and then food on Friday. Fasting spending and shopping freed me up a lot. I tend to make several trips to the store during the week, constantly thinking of some food item or toiletry or article of clothing that I "need". But it's not only a money waster, it's also a time waster. This week I made one trip for groceries and didn't make any other shopping trips. Meaning my evenings and lunch times had more free time. Because i took a break from "doing" and being productive, that basically meant my evenings were totally open. And each evening I spent time in prayer, reading my bible, and seeking God. Nothing amazing or out of the ordinary occured out of that time, but I do think it prepared me for Friday and Saturday.

Friday I fasted up until 8, when our church broke our fast together. And it actually wasn't too bad. sure, I was hungry...but there was something peaceful about that discomfort, in that i knew I wasn't being controlled by my desires, by food, by filling myself with something that I so regularly depend on. Fasting from both food and spending helped me to feel more free, as though those things have control over my mind and heart at times. Being disciplined actually made me feel more free. And i expected the fast to be brutal, especially after sleeping for only 3 hours after ministry. But while I was tired, it never felt horrible. By 8 pm I was incredibly tired and ready to eat, but it wasn't the worst thing in the world by any means. And all day i could reflect on how God is the only nourishment that i need, the only that truly satisfies. I've noticed that I'm much more intent and focused on prayer when I fast. I'm not worried about eating, or fitting everything into my lunch time. And knowing that fasting is a great time to really plea to God for something or someone, it made me approach prayer in a much more serious and intentional way. I prayed for myself, but mostly prayed for someone in Hollywood who my heart constantly breaks for. I've thought about fasting for those in Hollywood many times, but haven't "gotten around to it". (In other words, I'm selfish and haven't wanted to put them before me because I hate being hungry. ugh.) I really enjoyed praying for this boy in this way.

Then at church, we broke our fast with communion together...followed by a big celebratory dinner together. In Mark Buchanan's book The Rest of God, he addresses the idea of "staying hungry" and celebrating Sabbath with feasting. He says this,

"In the bible, food is food- a gift of the earth that makes our bones strong and straight, that lends joy to our gatherings-but it is also a picture of something else: the way God fills and nourishes us. Sometimes our feasting expresses this, and sometimes it eclipses it. Sometimes our abundant meals reflect God's abundance. Other times, all our eating dulls us and lulls us into forgetting him altogether...One thing Jesus did in the Eurcharist was to connect eating with obedience and worship. He joined earth with heaven, bread with manna, flesh with Spirit. He linked physical hunger with spiritual hunger. He reminded us that every bite is also a prayer.

Do you eat this way? I have two suggestions for this Sabbath Liturgy. The first is that you receive your very next meal-breakfast, lunch, dinner, whatever-as a gift from both heaven and earth. Partake of it with thankfulness and simplicity, eating just enough to fill you, then stopping. Nourish your Spirit and your body together. Try to do this whenever you eat and drink. The other suggestion is that your next sabbath meal be a fast: a time of enjoying the sheer bounty of God and his creation. Maybe, if you don't do this already, invite others to join you. Overdo it a big. Delight in the utter extravagance of God, who does exceeding, abundantly more than all we ask or imagine."


I felt that's what we were able to experience on Friday...relying on God to satisfy our hunger through Him alone during the day. Then at night, celebrating together in his abundance and the amazing things he had done that week in many lives and for our church. And we were all provided a meal, for free, and a taste of God's goodness through food and fellowship with his family.

On Saturday I woke up, slightly hungry, and thinking that I didn't have that urge to just quench the hunger right away. There was something about it that compelled me towards Christ, something about satisfying it so quickly and easily that just felt like a distraction from God and as though that's what was filling me, not God. I ended up eating just a little and going to a conference at church slightly hungry. In the afternoon at that conference, we later took the Lord's Supper once again. Something about it this time hit me much more than the previous night, oddly enough, since I had eaten a plentiful lunch. But the taste and feel of the delicious bread in my mouth made me think back to the previous night. That God provides and sustains us. That he died for us for that. That the pleasures of this world, the acceptance of others, the things I can do and attain, the approval I can win from others...none of it satisfy or fill me. Or if they do, it is not the food I should be relying on, only God should be doing that for me. It hit me that I didn't need to try so hard- to get things done, to get approval and acceptance in whatever way- but that he loves me that much that he died...he gave his body and blood to fill me and every one of my hungers and needs. And in that moment of tasting his body and blood, it hit me how much he already loves and accepts me, and in that I am freed to love others in the same way and never require anything back.

Some very good lessons for just one day of fasting :) um...why don't I do this more?

Under the Overpass

A few weeks ago I had an awesome God experience, and yet have totally forgotten to blog about it.

I read Under the Overpass recently, which I think I wrote about on here, and am now reading the devotional. It has 6 days of devotions, and on the 7th day is an "action" day, where the author gives 3 suggestions of ways to put your faith into action. The first day there were 3 choices relating to giving to the homeless community or those in need. Well, instead of writing it all out again, I'm just going to paste an email I wrote to a friend that weekend:

"Since you talked at [church] I've been trying to pray each day that God would use me, show me opportunities, and help me to keep my eyes out for people he might want me to talk to. It's actually been kind of frustrating because I feel like I haven't had many opportunities, but even more so because I almost feel scared when I pray that, as if I don't want him to actually give me the opportunities, or make me go out of my way. Which is so stupid! I always get so excited when I have chances to talk to people and talk about God. I guess it's probably Satan messing with me when I pray.

But anyway....I am excited today because I've been able to reconnect with [someone] online. I barely know him, but about a month ago he sent our whole family an email "coming out" about his atheism and not being a Christian anymore. In the past couple of days we've been able to get into email conversations about it, and it's been really easy and good and I think the conversation will be going for a while. I know other people in my family are talking to him, too, so I just pray that God will use us!

Then today, I've been reading this devotional that goes with the book Under the Overpass, that is basically intended to challenge people to put faith into action. So one of the things the first week he suggests is keeping water and granola bars in your car to give to homeless people who are holding signs for money and stuff like that. (which by the way, I think is a cool idea because then you always have something on hand to give to someone and lead to a conversation). So I bought stuff this morning and prayed that God would give me an opportunity to use them. On the way to my sister's there was a guy holding a sign that he needed work and obviously homeless. So, realizing this was an opportunity, I did a quick u-turn because I passed him at first. So I pulled into a gas station, got a water bottle and granola bar and headed back. But he had moved to the other side of the street, so I couldn't hand him anything. So I did another u-turn, parked illegally at the gas station, and walked back underneath the freeway (under the overpass, oddly enough) to where he was sitting. I introduced myself and handed him the food.

I found out that he has worked construction, so that's the type of work he'd like. I was going to see my brother-in-law, who's a general contractor. So I got his number and am going to see if he has any work this guy can do for him. I also got some info about his situation and then prayed with him. I was in a hurry to come babysit my niece, so I couldn't really get into a long conversation, which was kind of a bummer. But I was stoked to see how God was bringing me chances to share Him more than once today!"

Lectio Divina

Last night, as part of this seeking God in our church, I set aside plenty of time to just be with God. But I've been reading through Genesis, basically starting over in the bible to go through it again. And something about that just didn't fit in with my pursuit of him and waiting to hear his voice this week as far as vision and direction. So I ended up in Proverbs, where I went back to one that i had read recently but had stuck out to me. And then I remembered the practice of Lectio Divina, a long, meditative, repetitive study of the scripture.

And it made me wonder why I don't do this more. It's such a good way of getting scripture stuck in your head, knowing verses and where they're found and their context. After you read a passage multiple times, through and through, it gets stuck in there pretty good. If only i did that more, I may not have tons of scripture memorized, but I would come a lot closer and much more on my mind at all times. And it allowed to see things I hadn't seen before, understand God speaking to me in new ways, and trying to reiterate ideas to me that haven't been getting through, but finally made sense.

It also showed me how tired I actually am. i started praying (step 3 of the process of lectio divina) and nearly fell asleep. I think that was around 9:00. Who knew that if I just stopped in the evening, I could just crash like that? This insane busyness keeps us aware that we must be tired, but prevents us from seeing just how tired we are. Maybe if I got more rest, I would actually do better at everything during my waking hours.

And tonight, from some prompting from God and other ideas around me, I'll be praying for ministry in particular. Which is something I always want to pray a lot for, but just don't seem to make enough time.

Fear of being still

"Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength. But you would have none of it." - Isaiah 30:15

Why is it that when we know exactly what we need, exactly what will save us, give us rest and peace, that we turn and do the complete opposite thing? When I want and need to spend more time with my Father, deepening our relationship, why do I find anything to fill my time, even with service for him, to avoid that quiet and rest in him? No matter how many times I read that verse, at best I grasp it for about 10 minutes, and then I'm right back to "having none of it".

This week, our church is in corporate pursuit of God. We are praying, fasting, and intentionally setting aside time to rest and seek him. For ourselves, as well as for the future of our church. Because we know better than to think that we can come up with great plans and visions. Instead, our leadership seeks God in these crazy ways to see what he would for us to do. And what shocked me was that as we had time to think about what God wants for each of us to do this week, that the thought of stopping my pursuits and accomplishments and tasks this week in order to pursue him scared me more than I've ever experienced before. I've been practicing rest and sabbath and studying and practicing the idea all year long as my work is trying to practice the theme of Rest and Renewal. I thought I had this down. All to realize last night that the level of fear, anxiety and discomfort and coming home at night with no plans but to spend time with God was, at best, unhealthy.

Somewhere along the line in this past year or so, my accomplishments began to define me. What I could get done, achieve, make happen for His name became who I was, what I did, how I made up for time lost with him. So badly wanting to do good for him and enjoying him began to take the place of him, even if it did glorify him in the process, my heart and mind have gone somewhat astray. Otherwise stopping just to make time for him wouldn't freak me out so much. Because, despite what I think, he doesn't need me to accomplish his plans. Ministry will not fail without me, relationships will not fail without me. I get to play a part in what he does, but he does not depend on me for a darned thing. Which scared me a little, thinking what am I going to do at night, without things to accomplish, things to make me feel successful? Because I've chosen to not only fast activity and striving, but time wasters like TV, Facebook, internet, shopping. That leaves me with a whole lot of time for just He and I. Which makes me excited, but nervous.

Then this evening, on the first week of pursuit of God with church, my roommate and I did our weekly prayer time together, and shared how we intended to get on board with this idea. For quite a while we sat and talked and prayed. And I looked at the clock at least 3 times. It struck me that in the midst of this time we had set apart to develop our relationship and pursue God together - exactly what I would have envisioned for how God might want me to spend my time this week - I had begun stressing about how much time we were taking, how I needed to hurry through prayer to get to my time with God. WHAT?! Let's hurry up and pray so I can go read the bible and pray...are you serious? Who does that? It showed me that even in trying to pursue God, it can really just be about crossing things off a list for me, even when I come in with the best intentions. And I think that's where I've been missing him lately. Here I was, spending my time in one of the best ways, pursuing relationship with him and with a sister-in-Christ, talking about him and sharing our struggles. And I was thinking, man it's getting late. I need to eat and have time with God tonight..can we speed this up? Catching myself with those thoughts made me realize how weak and in need of him I am.

Which reminds me of something our pastor said last night as he shared having these same issues. We need to become weak in order to know that He is God. Be still, relaxed, weak...in order to know him. First comes the weakening and quieting, then we can know him more. I think that's part of the fear...what I do appears to make me strong, give me validity, prove my abilities and worth. If I stop, if I let myself be weak, then what?

So, I'm going to be trying to chronicle some of this time, see what God does as I wait expectantly on him this week and hope that he will transform me. I'm going to set aside what gives me worth on a superficial level and let God show me who I am because of him. I'm going to try to stop, listen, and actually slow my mind enough to let God show me more of the ugliness, and then to change me.

"Be still, and know that I am God" - Psalm 26.

What is your name?

"What is your name?"

Jesus asks this to a demon possessed man in the book of Mark. Lately, I have been pondering the questions that Jesus asks in the gospels. Why does he ask them? What is he getting at? And how would I respond?

In bible times names meant something, stood for something. They weren't randomly chosen names that sounded cool to the parents giving the name. In part, they defined a person or something about them.

So why does Jesus ask this? He already knows the man's name. he man responds that his name is Legion, because he is possessed by so many demons. But that's not his birth-given name, that's not who he really is. But now that defines him. It's who he's become and what gives him his identity. He's completely controlled by demons, so that is how he sees himself and how others view him as well.

I considered this question, wondering how I would respond. What is my name? How do I see and define myself? We all seem to have some sort of facade, some "name" the defines how we see ourselves. When I meet people on the streets of Hollywood, I will be looking a male in the face (though he's probably dressed in women's clothing) and hear him tell me his name is "Peaches" or "Crystal". Clearly, that's not his real name. But it's the identity he's taken upon himself, how he wants clients and other prostitutes to see and understand him. He feels more like a woman than a man, and so he's created an identity to align with that. Or I meet drug dealers or homeless men going by "Red" or "Shadow Warrior" or some other creative street name. Again, they weren't given these names, but it's how they want to be seen now and an identity they've either created or taken on during their time on the streets.

In Paul's letters to the early church he generally identifies himself in the beginning, not just as Paul but with a description like, "a servant of the Lord Jesus Christ" or "chosen to be an Apostle"...or for John it was "the disciple whom Jesus loved."

'So', I thought, 'if I were asked that question, what would my response be?' Is my initial, instinctive answer, "daughter of God" or "servant of Christ" or "a child that is loved by God"? Honestly, no. I think my first response, especially if wanting to define myself to someone, would be, a daughter and sister, a marketing professional, a health and fitness enthusiast, someone in leadership in ministry, an employee for my brother's company, a Christian, a friend. These things define who I am, what I do, what's important to me, they give me value - regardless of whether or not they should. I see myself in light of these roles, and want others to recognize those as well. As I considered my identity and "name", even though I knew the correct, Sunday school answer would be "child of God" or something along those lines, I was troubled by the honest answer. Yes, my identity in Christ is huge for me, it's shapes me and the way I live. But is that the only thing that gives me my worth and defines me? Why isn't my first and most important answer, "servant of Christ", "woman that God loves" my 100% honest, initial answer? Is that enough for me, or am I seeking so much significance and validity in my other roles that I feel the need to tack those on to my identity as God's child? Why isn't it enough for me to say that I belong to God without claiming my importance in the gifts and roles he's blessed me with. Am I more wrapped up in those things that I see myself through the lens of what I do, rather than who Christ says I am?Am I serving those areas of my life more than I'm serving Christ?

I don't really have all of the answers to those questions at this point. But I know they're worth asking and dwelling on until I find more answers. Because I want to be so sold out and obsessed with Christ and his kingdom-building that my natural response is, "I'm a servant of Christ. I'm Holly, which means, 'Holy One'." I'm holy because God has made me holy through his son. I'm a saint and a bearer of His name and good news, and that's all that matters."

Where these questions lead, and how to get to the point of finding my entire identity in who God says I am...I don't really know yet. But it's something worth thinking about, day after day, until I figure it out..or get as close as I can to figuring it out.

Moving Thoughts

"...Here was an admitted addict and user openly proclaiming Christ in his community and asking how he could serve us. What do you do when a good tree bears bad fruit, or a bad tree bears good fruit? Look harder. What's your definition of a Christian? Is it broad enough to encompass the drug dealers, primps, prostitutes, and broken people of the world? Jesus said that he came to heal the sick. Drug addicts are messed up just the same as liars are messed up, just the same as all humans are messed up. We all need Jesus. We all struggle with personal ways in which sin plays itself out in our lives. What's worse? To not do dope or to not love your brother? Why do we kick drug users out of the church while quietly ignoring those who aren't dealing with other, equally destructive sins? Why do we reject the loving, self-sacrificing, giving, encouraging, Jesus-pursuing drug addict but recruit the clean, self-interested, gossiping, loveless churchgoer?Which one do you suppose Jesus would rather share a burrito with under a bridge?"-Mike Yankoski, Under the Overpass

I’ve been reading this book lately, Under the Overpass, written by Mike Yankoski, who chose to be homeless for 5 months to put his faith to the test and see how it would survive outside of the comfortable life he was used to. Between that and my own experiences doing ministry in Hollywood, my thinking has been greatly challenged. And it has led me to great discouragement with the American church. Which includes myself – I have grown more frustrated with my own Christianity. When I try to look at my life, and those around me, from the perspective of a homeless person, or an outcast in society who has nothing, it troubles me. In his book, Yankoski recalls a moment when a family stops by the restaurant he and his friend are sitting outside of to look at the menu. They mention something about generosity and the Holy Spirit….and then walk away, completely ignoring the two homeless men sitting on the street. How often have I done the same? Pretend that if people aren’t there, they won’t notice me, won’t hear what I say or observe my hypocrisy. And then I read a part like the one quoted above, and recall times I have seen it myself – those we ignore or condemn for their lifestyles, being more gracious and generous than we who call ourselves Christians are. How often have I harmed the name of Christ by ignoring the needs of those around me, or by looking down on someone different from me, as if I’m any better?

Most of us are so used to our comfortable lives that it seems preposterous not to have a car, or a cell phone…we have to diet because we have too much to eat….and we all live the same kind of comfortable lives and seem to get lost in our Christian bubbles. We spend our time with our Christian families, friends, in church, and even lost in our own biblical studies. And none of that is bad…fellowship and discipleship is critical. But when do we step out of that comfort zone and actually live out our faith amongst those who have never heard? Or those who have bad perceptions of Christians, and then try to change that?

I recently found myself almost angry at the cute, inspiriational decorations in a family member’s home, which we probably all have some of…and at the way we can basically ignore waiters and store clerks and homeless people…and then pour out our hearts and generosity to other Christians. We are great at loving each other and encouraging one another. But why don’t we do it with strangers? With those living in darkness and hopelessness? How real is our faith?

And I’m just as frustrated with myself as with others. I go to Hollywood every week and know the store owners, those who frequent the streets, and I go out of my way to make contact, build relationships, and talk about Jesus with everyone I meet, even when they think we’re crazy. And yet during the week I go to the gym, the store, and other places on a regular basis, and am so wrapped up in my own life and introversion and schedule that I say as little as possible and go on my way. I smile and treat people kindly and think that will lead them to Christ. So why the disconnect?

My main reason for posting this rant is that an idea struck me recently, which shouldn’t be so revolutionary…it should just be a normal way of living. But I am moving to a new city. About 20 minutes away, so it’s not far or much different, but it’s a new city. And with this fresh start, I thought, “I need to live missionally. I want to be intentional about relationships here. To get to know the store owners and workers and receptionists and neighbors that I see on a regular basis. And to be as bold as I am in Hollywood. I shouldn’t have to go somewhere else to live out my faith, I should do it the same everywhere I go.” And for some accountability and my own reminder, I’m writing about it publicly. In a few months, I want to walk into my local Trader Joe’s or Target and greet the employees by name and know some of their story. I want to buy food for the hungry and share my life with anyone who might be living on the street. I want to give my time to those who have no friends, and share the gospel with those living without hope. I want my life to look different to my own community…so that as a Christian I’m not just another religious person, but someone that reflects Christ and makes the lost think differently of Him…and want to come to Him.

“I do this because my faith tells me to. The bible clearly says, if you see someone hungry, feed them; if you see someone naked, clothe them. Those words weren’t written for us to make books and sermons about. They’re written so people don’t go hungry or naked. And they require action from all followers of Christ, not just the rescue missions. Anyway, that’s how I see it. So I’m trying to live my life that way and be pleasing to Jesus.” (excerpt from Under the Overpass, spoken by a guy who takes pizza to the homeless in San Francisco on a regular basis)

Embracing Accusation, by Shane and Shane

The father of lies Coming to steal, kill and destroy All my hopes of being good enough I hear him saying cursed are the ones Who can’t abide He’s right, Alleluia he’s right!

The devil is preaching The song of the redeemed That I am cursed and gone astray I cannot gain salvation Embracing accusation

Could the father of lies Be telling the truth Of God to me tonight?

If the penalty of sin is death Then death is mine I hear him saying cursed are the ones Who can’t abide He’s right, Alleluia he’s right!

Oh the devil’s singing over me An age old song That I am cursed and gone astray Singing the first verse so conveniently He’s forgotten the refrain:

JESUS SAVES!

2007

I don't get God. I don't understand how something I can't see gives me peace. Or comfort or hope. I've never seen God, I've never heard his audible voice. Yet I've seen him, heard him, and been moved by him. It completely baffles me...sometimes I feel like I'm crazy, maybe it's just a weird idea I live with to make life seem easier. But He turns things upside down. Bad becomes good, and good becomes bad...depression becomes joy and joy turns to service and humility and humility makes me happier than being proud. It's very strange, but it's true. I've seen it this past year of my life like never before.

I was reflecting recently on 2007, being that it is the start of the new year and that's what we're supposed to do. Emotionally, it was one of the worst seasons of my life. And yet as I look back on it, it's been the very best year of my almost 25 years. That's what God does. I lost something that I thought was so important to me, that I thought was so valuable. But God gives and He takes away...and to that I say: blessed be the name of the Lord. He used someone in my life for almost 2 years to show me more of who He is. And then he wanted to show me more and give me greater joy and blessing, so he took it away. And in being lowered, I was lifted up. My eyes were opened to the world and all of its experiencse and opportunities. I learned to love God more, and experienced fellowship and community...and those both fall under the two greatest commandments that God has for us.

God flipped the tables as he so often does...and by losing some control, letting go of a treasure, he opened my eyes to his wonders anew. This year I chose two ways to deal with the hurt, confusion, frustration and loss. God - and a deeper pursuit of him, and life - new experiences and a greater joy in people. I found deep satisfaction in learning new things and tasting and seeing more of what this blessed life has to offer. I learned how to surf, I spent more time at the beach, I learned ballroom dancing, I worked out harder, I went out dancing, attended amazing concerts, started doing ministry on the streets, learned guitar, began writing more and hearing people's stories, went swing-dancing, made new friends, had dinners with various people, and so much more. I saw God in all of these places, awakening my senses to all that is around me that I had missed before.

And in pursuing God deeper, I came to a greater understanding of who he is and what he desires for me. I learned to love God, not for his blessings, but for who He is. I came to appreciate sacrifice and pain because it brings me closer to him and increases my dependence on God. And through it all, he gave me greater compassion for others, a heart for the hurting and poor in spirit, a desire to help, a love for people, and a vision for my future...which I haven't had in quite some time. I feel like I've never been so near to God, and that is the best part of this year. And I've never been so close to my Christian community, and that is the second best part. And still, God has given me so many other blessings through family, friends, work, experiences, lessons learned.

I could probably go on and on about the details...although much of it is captured previously in my blogs. But I'll simply say that God is good, that he makes all things new and turns everything upside down in order to bring him glory. And being a part of that has brought me more joy than anything else in this life. Living in surrender to him and his plans, and releasing the grasp on my own life and dreams is the best way I have ever lived, and I look forward to seeing what he has to teach me in 2008!

A story of God's grace, Written for 'MOTION'

The unwelcome shrill of the alarm clock beeps incessantly. Birds chirp cheerily outside the window, accompanied by the hum of early morning traffic rushing through the street….

These are the noises that awaken many of us to each new day. We turn on the morning news as we sip our first cup of coffee, or listen to music as we prepare for the day, or chat with a spouse about upcoming plans over the dog’s loud barking and children arguing over who gets the toy in the cereal box. Traffic reports flood our ears on the drive to work, where we try to tune out the drone of a dull co-worker or listen intently to customers on the phone lines. After work we might head to the gym where we converse with acquaintances or listen to our ipods, before going home and calling a friend or sharing dinner with family in a boisterous restaurant.

These are the sounds of our everyday lives. Sounds that we take for granted.

But what if one day, you couldn’t hear the alarm? Or listen to the news or hear your kids; couldn’t make a regular phone call or hear the honk of a horn, warning you of impending danger on the freeway. Couldn’t hear the waves crashing at the beach or stand in church and sing along to the beautiful music that stirs up your heart?

For most people, losing such a critical sense may sound like a nightmare. Yet it is a daily reality that many face. In the case of Rudy Campos, part of the deaf community at RockHarbor, it is the story of his life.

The first ten years of Rudy’s life were fairly normal while growing up in a Christian family and attending elementary school. Rudy’s brother went deaf as a toddler, so the Campos family learned sign language and began to adjust to the special requirements that his brother needed.

Life changed dramatically when Rudy hit the age of ten. Not only were some minor hearing problems getting worse, but he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Doctors began telling him that he would probably lose his hearing completely, but he didn’t believe them, sure that his hearing problems were just temporary and would clear up. But the doctors were right.

At 11 years old, Rudy became sick with spinal meningitis and went deaf as a result. He quickly had to learn how to go between two worlds – that of the hearing, and of the deaf. Between those that only accept someone if they are deaf, and those who do not know how to accept someone if they are. “It was a mess, being torn between two cultures,” he recalls. “I grew up in fear. I was changed and worried that the world wouldn’t accept that.”

The loss of hearing was not only hard for Rudy, but for his family as well.
They had become accustomed to having one deaf son, but his parents still felt helpless and unable to do anything, though Rudy says, “It wasn’t their fault. It’s a part of life. Life isn’t perfect, everybody knows that.”

Rudy’s high school years were terrible, struggling to fit in and requiring an interpreter for all of his classes. “A lot of deaf people don’t have the ability to articulate like I do. It is frowned upon because to some people it means that is the level of intelligence they have,” Rudy explains.

Rudy admits that at times he ran away from God, trying to deal with his difficulties and figure out how to fit in and be accepted. At that point in his life, acceptance meant going to parties and drinking with friends.

“I was angry, punching my brother and damaging things….It was my release and way of dealing with what I was going through.” He began seeing a therapist who pointed out how lost and angry he was, upset at having something taken away from him. “She said, ‘It wasn’t God that took it away from you’.” And after that conversation at age 16, Rudy says his anger disappeared, “Instead of shaking my fist, I reached out to God.”

During college Rudy was thrown a new set of struggles. He once again found it difficult to function with hearing impairment while not yet fully integrated into deaf culture. Then at age 22, the thyroid cancer came back.

“I was at the point that I wanted to give up on my faith. I thought ‘this is too much, I don’t want to be sick anymore.’ It was turmoil for a year….three times I came close to dying. And it’s hard because it hurts your family and your friends because they love you…and you realize they’re suffering more than you ever can. And when you’re a person that puts other people first, this is the only time you can’t, because you’re the one they’re worried about”.

Now age 25, Rudy has overcome cancer twice and when he reflects on his life has determined, “If I don’t accept my deafness, then I’m not accepting God.”

Still, life for the hearing impaired presents a unique set of challenges and frustrations that many people never think about. They can’t go to movies unless there are captions, order fast food, go to the doctor without an interpreter, and have a hard time asking for directions or for help at a store. Job opportunities are scarce because so many require phone communication, and deaf employees are considered a liability.

Despite limitations, Rudy worked from the time he was fifteen, doing everything from life-guarding, to coaching swimming, to teaching CPR and coaching at the Special Olympics. Rudy speaks passionately when he say, “God has used my deafness, my cancer and my life to be an example to people to say that things will happen to you, you may lose something and you may never get it back, but you can put it to good use…. No matter if you’re sick, no matter if you’re dying, you can still serve people.”

A few years ago Rudy started attending RockHarbor and appreciated that the deaf were integrated with everyone else and not put in a separate room like many places he had been to before. “My life really started changing when I came to RockHarbor because I found the right kind of acceptance.”

Yet trying to get involved in church was still a challenge. Rudy was apprehensive to join any groups or participate in events like Serve Day. “People seem to have a fear. They don’t want to hurt me, or miscommunicate something and upset me. And I’m thinking, ‘No, you don’t have to worry about it’,” Rudy says of those unfamiliar with the deaf community.

But what about worship? What is that like for someone who can’t hear the music or close their eyes while they listen to prayer? Rudy responds, “My eyes kind of listen for me, I can feel the music a little bit, I watch the interpreters sign…or I pray with somebody, shoulder to shoulder. It’s incredible, its like everything is shut off and everything inside your body fires up and you’re getting 150% because you don’t have your hearing. It’s an incredible position. It just brings you to your knees.”

Rudy also experiences physical worship through weekly communion, about which he says: “We owe God so much. No matter how much you do in life, you can never do enough. That’s the best thing about God; you can do so much more every single day, there’s always another thing you can do. And we do that at communion, we thank him for his blood and for carrying the cross all the way up that hill… I thank him every day for making me who I am…’Thank you Lord for putting me in my place, thank you for the cancer.”

God recently closed the door on working for Rudy, but has opened a window to go back to college to be an Occupational Therapist Assistant. “He put me in a humble position again. It’s a struggle financially, emotionally; sometimes I feel like I’m useless. But he taught me that it’s for a reason, to regain humility, to know what it’s like to struggle, to be thankful for every small scrape of anything you get.”

When asked if there’s anything else that Rudy would like people to know, he replies with a smile, “Don’t be afraid to try anything in faith…no matter how hard difficulties are in life, don’t be afraid to try anything, because you don’t know how much you’re missing out….best to take that extra step of faith…adversity can be overcome, faith is all it takes.”