"And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites...but when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face..."-Matthew 6:16
Our pastor recently pointed out during a sermon the fact that the way Jesus addresses the topic of fasting indicates that it's assumed his followers will be fasting. This comes after he talks about praying, which is another normal assumption of the Christian life. Yet how many of us actually fast on a regular basis...or at all? I know I don't. I mean, I have a few times, but it's definitely not a regular part of my life. Sure, I've thought about it many times since taking a class on spiritual disciplines and practicing fasting at that time. But it's hard...I think about doing it, and the idea of going hungry, being tired, trying to concentrate at work with no energy, being distracted by hunger pangs all day long...and somehow I always manage to find an excuse. I know how beneficial it can be, and yet I still can't bring myself to do it.
But it struck me this weekend that I really do need to make a more regular practice of this discipline. And I'm specifically talking about food, but I could make a regular habit of fasting other things as well. Our church called us to fast this past Friday, and some people did it all week, others fasted various things beyond food. I wrote earlier about this...fasting activity, spending money, and then food on Friday. Fasting spending and shopping freed me up a lot. I tend to make several trips to the store during the week, constantly thinking of some food item or toiletry or article of clothing that I "need". But it's not only a money waster, it's also a time waster. This week I made one trip for groceries and didn't make any other shopping trips. Meaning my evenings and lunch times had more free time. Because i took a break from "doing" and being productive, that basically meant my evenings were totally open. And each evening I spent time in prayer, reading my bible, and seeking God. Nothing amazing or out of the ordinary occured out of that time, but I do think it prepared me for Friday and Saturday.
Friday I fasted up until 8, when our church broke our fast together. And it actually wasn't too bad. sure, I was hungry...but there was something peaceful about that discomfort, in that i knew I wasn't being controlled by my desires, by food, by filling myself with something that I so regularly depend on. Fasting from both food and spending helped me to feel more free, as though those things have control over my mind and heart at times. Being disciplined actually made me feel more free. And i expected the fast to be brutal, especially after sleeping for only 3 hours after ministry. But while I was tired, it never felt horrible. By 8 pm I was incredibly tired and ready to eat, but it wasn't the worst thing in the world by any means. And all day i could reflect on how God is the only nourishment that i need, the only that truly satisfies. I've noticed that I'm much more intent and focused on prayer when I fast. I'm not worried about eating, or fitting everything into my lunch time. And knowing that fasting is a great time to really plea to God for something or someone, it made me approach prayer in a much more serious and intentional way. I prayed for myself, but mostly prayed for someone in Hollywood who my heart constantly breaks for. I've thought about fasting for those in Hollywood many times, but haven't "gotten around to it". (In other words, I'm selfish and haven't wanted to put them before me because I hate being hungry. ugh.) I really enjoyed praying for this boy in this way.
Then at church, we broke our fast with communion together...followed by a big celebratory dinner together. In Mark Buchanan's book The Rest of God, he addresses the idea of "staying hungry" and celebrating Sabbath with feasting. He says this,
"In the bible, food is food- a gift of the earth that makes our bones strong and straight, that lends joy to our gatherings-but it is also a picture of something else: the way God fills and nourishes us. Sometimes our feasting expresses this, and sometimes it eclipses it. Sometimes our abundant meals reflect God's abundance. Other times, all our eating dulls us and lulls us into forgetting him altogether...One thing Jesus did in the Eurcharist was to connect eating with obedience and worship. He joined earth with heaven, bread with manna, flesh with Spirit. He linked physical hunger with spiritual hunger. He reminded us that every bite is also a prayer.
Do you eat this way? I have two suggestions for this Sabbath Liturgy. The first is that you receive your very next meal-breakfast, lunch, dinner, whatever-as a gift from both heaven and earth. Partake of it with thankfulness and simplicity, eating just enough to fill you, then stopping. Nourish your Spirit and your body together. Try to do this whenever you eat and drink. The other suggestion is that your next sabbath meal be a fast: a time of enjoying the sheer bounty of God and his creation. Maybe, if you don't do this already, invite others to join you. Overdo it a big. Delight in the utter extravagance of God, who does exceeding, abundantly more than all we ask or imagine."
I felt that's what we were able to experience on Friday...relying on God to satisfy our hunger through Him alone during the day. Then at night, celebrating together in his abundance and the amazing things he had done that week in many lives and for our church. And we were all provided a meal, for free, and a taste of God's goodness through food and fellowship with his family.
On Saturday I woke up, slightly hungry, and thinking that I didn't have that urge to just quench the hunger right away. There was something about it that compelled me towards Christ, something about satisfying it so quickly and easily that just felt like a distraction from God and as though that's what was filling me, not God. I ended up eating just a little and going to a conference at church slightly hungry. In the afternoon at that conference, we later took the Lord's Supper once again. Something about it this time hit me much more than the previous night, oddly enough, since I had eaten a plentiful lunch. But the taste and feel of the delicious bread in my mouth made me think back to the previous night. That God provides and sustains us. That he died for us for that. That the pleasures of this world, the acceptance of others, the things I can do and attain, the approval I can win from others...none of it satisfy or fill me. Or if they do, it is not the food I should be relying on, only God should be doing that for me. It hit me that I didn't need to try so hard- to get things done, to get approval and acceptance in whatever way- but that he loves me that much that he died...he gave his body and blood to fill me and every one of my hungers and needs. And in that moment of tasting his body and blood, it hit me how much he already loves and accepts me, and in that I am freed to love others in the same way and never require anything back.
Some very good lessons for just one day of fasting :) um...why don't I do this more?
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Under the Overpass
A few weeks ago I had an awesome God experience, and yet have totally forgotten to blog about it.
I read Under the Overpass recently, which I think I wrote about on here, and am now reading the devotional. It has 6 days of devotions, and on the 7th day is an "action" day, where the author gives 3 suggestions of ways to put your faith into action. The first day there were 3 choices relating to giving to the homeless community or those in need. Well, instead of writing it all out again, I'm just going to paste an email I wrote to a friend that weekend:
"Since you talked at [church] I've been trying to pray each day that God would use me, show me opportunities, and help me to keep my eyes out for people he might want me to talk to. It's actually been kind of frustrating because I feel like I haven't had many opportunities, but even more so because I almost feel scared when I pray that, as if I don't want him to actually give me the opportunities, or make me go out of my way. Which is so stupid! I always get so excited when I have chances to talk to people and talk about God. I guess it's probably Satan messing with me when I pray.
But anyway....I am excited today because I've been able to reconnect with [someone] online. I barely know him, but about a month ago he sent our whole family an email "coming out" about his atheism and not being a Christian anymore. In the past couple of days we've been able to get into email conversations about it, and it's been really easy and good and I think the conversation will be going for a while. I know other people in my family are talking to him, too, so I just pray that God will use us!
Then today, I've been reading this devotional that goes with the book Under the Overpass, that is basically intended to challenge people to put faith into action. So one of the things the first week he suggests is keeping water and granola bars in your car to give to homeless people who are holding signs for money and stuff like that. (which by the way, I think is a cool idea because then you always have something on hand to give to someone and lead to a conversation). So I bought stuff this morning and prayed that God would give me an opportunity to use them. On the way to my sister's there was a guy holding a sign that he needed work and obviously homeless. So, realizing this was an opportunity, I did a quick u-turn because I passed him at first. So I pulled into a gas station, got a water bottle and granola bar and headed back. But he had moved to the other side of the street, so I couldn't hand him anything. So I did another u-turn, parked illegally at the gas station, and walked back underneath the freeway (under the overpass, oddly enough) to where he was sitting. I introduced myself and handed him the food.
I found out that he has worked construction, so that's the type of work he'd like. I was going to see my brother-in-law, who's a general contractor. So I got his number and am going to see if he has any work this guy can do for him. I also got some info about his situation and then prayed with him. I was in a hurry to come babysit my niece, so I couldn't really get into a long conversation, which was kind of a bummer. But I was stoked to see how God was bringing me chances to share Him more than once today!"
I read Under the Overpass recently, which I think I wrote about on here, and am now reading the devotional. It has 6 days of devotions, and on the 7th day is an "action" day, where the author gives 3 suggestions of ways to put your faith into action. The first day there were 3 choices relating to giving to the homeless community or those in need. Well, instead of writing it all out again, I'm just going to paste an email I wrote to a friend that weekend:
"Since you talked at [church] I've been trying to pray each day that God would use me, show me opportunities, and help me to keep my eyes out for people he might want me to talk to. It's actually been kind of frustrating because I feel like I haven't had many opportunities, but even more so because I almost feel scared when I pray that, as if I don't want him to actually give me the opportunities, or make me go out of my way. Which is so stupid! I always get so excited when I have chances to talk to people and talk about God. I guess it's probably Satan messing with me when I pray.
But anyway....I am excited today because I've been able to reconnect with [someone] online. I barely know him, but about a month ago he sent our whole family an email "coming out" about his atheism and not being a Christian anymore. In the past couple of days we've been able to get into email conversations about it, and it's been really easy and good and I think the conversation will be going for a while. I know other people in my family are talking to him, too, so I just pray that God will use us!
Then today, I've been reading this devotional that goes with the book Under the Overpass, that is basically intended to challenge people to put faith into action. So one of the things the first week he suggests is keeping water and granola bars in your car to give to homeless people who are holding signs for money and stuff like that. (which by the way, I think is a cool idea because then you always have something on hand to give to someone and lead to a conversation). So I bought stuff this morning and prayed that God would give me an opportunity to use them. On the way to my sister's there was a guy holding a sign that he needed work and obviously homeless. So, realizing this was an opportunity, I did a quick u-turn because I passed him at first. So I pulled into a gas station, got a water bottle and granola bar and headed back. But he had moved to the other side of the street, so I couldn't hand him anything. So I did another u-turn, parked illegally at the gas station, and walked back underneath the freeway (under the overpass, oddly enough) to where he was sitting. I introduced myself and handed him the food.
I found out that he has worked construction, so that's the type of work he'd like. I was going to see my brother-in-law, who's a general contractor. So I got his number and am going to see if he has any work this guy can do for him. I also got some info about his situation and then prayed with him. I was in a hurry to come babysit my niece, so I couldn't really get into a long conversation, which was kind of a bummer. But I was stoked to see how God was bringing me chances to share Him more than once today!"
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Lectio Divina
Last night, as part of this seeking God in our church, I set aside plenty of time to just be with God. But I've been reading through Genesis, basically starting over in the bible to go through it again. And something about that just didn't fit in with my pursuit of him and waiting to hear his voice this week as far as vision and direction. So I ended up in Proverbs, where I went back to one that i had read recently but had stuck out to me. And then I remembered the practice of Lectio Divina, a long, meditative, repetitive study of the scripture.
And it made me wonder why I don't do this more. It's such a good way of getting scripture stuck in your head, knowing verses and where they're found and their context. After you read a passage multiple times, through and through, it gets stuck in there pretty good. If only i did that more, I may not have tons of scripture memorized, but I would come a lot closer and much more on my mind at all times. And it allowed to see things I hadn't seen before, understand God speaking to me in new ways, and trying to reiterate ideas to me that haven't been getting through, but finally made sense.
It also showed me how tired I actually am. i started praying (step 3 of the process of lectio divina) and nearly fell asleep. I think that was around 9:00. Who knew that if I just stopped in the evening, I could just crash like that? This insane busyness keeps us aware that we must be tired, but prevents us from seeing just how tired we are. Maybe if I got more rest, I would actually do better at everything during my waking hours.
And tonight, from some prompting from God and other ideas around me, I'll be praying for ministry in particular. Which is something I always want to pray a lot for, but just don't seem to make enough time.
And it made me wonder why I don't do this more. It's such a good way of getting scripture stuck in your head, knowing verses and where they're found and their context. After you read a passage multiple times, through and through, it gets stuck in there pretty good. If only i did that more, I may not have tons of scripture memorized, but I would come a lot closer and much more on my mind at all times. And it allowed to see things I hadn't seen before, understand God speaking to me in new ways, and trying to reiterate ideas to me that haven't been getting through, but finally made sense.
It also showed me how tired I actually am. i started praying (step 3 of the process of lectio divina) and nearly fell asleep. I think that was around 9:00. Who knew that if I just stopped in the evening, I could just crash like that? This insane busyness keeps us aware that we must be tired, but prevents us from seeing just how tired we are. Maybe if I got more rest, I would actually do better at everything during my waking hours.
And tonight, from some prompting from God and other ideas around me, I'll be praying for ministry in particular. Which is something I always want to pray a lot for, but just don't seem to make enough time.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Fear of being still
"Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength. But you would have none of it." - Isaiah 30:15
Why is it that when we know exactly what we need, exactly what will save us, give us rest and peace, that we turn and do the complete opposite thing? When I want and need to spend more time with my Father, deepening our relationship, why do I find anything to fill my time, even with service for him, to avoid that quiet and rest in him? No matter how many times I read that verse, at best I grasp it for about 10 minutes, and then I'm right back to "having none of it".
This week, our church is in corporate pursuit of God. We are praying, fasting, and intentionally setting aside time to rest and seek him. For ourselves, as well as for the future of our church. Because we know better than to think that we can come up with great plans and visions. Instead, our leadership seeks God in these crazy ways to see what he would for us to do. And what shocked me was that as we had time to think about what God wants for each of us to do this week, that the thought of stopping my pursuits and accomplishments and tasks this week in order to pursue him scared me more than I've ever experienced before. I've been practicing rest and sabbath and studying and practicing the idea all year long as my work is trying to practice the theme of Rest and Renewal. I thought I had this down. All to realize last night that the level of fear, anxiety and discomfort and coming home at night with no plans but to spend time with God was, at best, unhealthy.
Somewhere along the line in this past year or so, my accomplishments began to define me. What I could get done, achieve, make happen for His name became who I was, what I did, how I made up for time lost with him. So badly wanting to do good for him and enjoying him began to take the place of him, even if it did glorify him in the process, my heart and mind have gone somewhat astray. Otherwise stopping just to make time for him wouldn't freak me out so much. Because, despite what I think, he doesn't need me to accomplish his plans. Ministry will not fail without me, relationships will not fail without me. I get to play a part in what he does, but he does not depend on me for a darned thing. Which scared me a little, thinking what am I going to do at night, without things to accomplish, things to make me feel successful? Because I've chosen to not only fast activity and striving, but time wasters like TV, Facebook, internet, shopping. That leaves me with a whole lot of time for just He and I. Which makes me excited, but nervous.
Then this evening, on the first week of pursuit of God with church, my roommate and I did our weekly prayer time together, and shared how we intended to get on board with this idea. For quite a while we sat and talked and prayed. And I looked at the clock at least 3 times. It struck me that in the midst of this time we had set apart to develop our relationship and pursue God together - exactly what I would have envisioned for how God might want me to spend my time this week - I had begun stressing about how much time we were taking, how I needed to hurry through prayer to get to my time with God. WHAT?! Let's hurry up and pray so I can go read the bible and pray...are you serious? Who does that? It showed me that even in trying to pursue God, it can really just be about crossing things off a list for me, even when I come in with the best intentions. And I think that's where I've been missing him lately. Here I was, spending my time in one of the best ways, pursuing relationship with him and with a sister-in-Christ, talking about him and sharing our struggles. And I was thinking, man it's getting late. I need to eat and have time with God tonight..can we speed this up? Catching myself with those thoughts made me realize how weak and in need of him I am.
Which reminds me of something our pastor said last night as he shared having these same issues. We need to become weak in order to know that He is God. Be still, relaxed, weak...in order to know him. First comes the weakening and quieting, then we can know him more. I think that's part of the fear...what I do appears to make me strong, give me validity, prove my abilities and worth. If I stop, if I let myself be weak, then what?
So, I'm going to be trying to chronicle some of this time, see what God does as I wait expectantly on him this week and hope that he will transform me. I'm going to set aside what gives me worth on a superficial level and let God show me who I am because of him. I'm going to try to stop, listen, and actually slow my mind enough to let God show me more of the ugliness, and then to change me.
"Be still, and know that I am God" - Psalm 26.
Why is it that when we know exactly what we need, exactly what will save us, give us rest and peace, that we turn and do the complete opposite thing? When I want and need to spend more time with my Father, deepening our relationship, why do I find anything to fill my time, even with service for him, to avoid that quiet and rest in him? No matter how many times I read that verse, at best I grasp it for about 10 minutes, and then I'm right back to "having none of it".
This week, our church is in corporate pursuit of God. We are praying, fasting, and intentionally setting aside time to rest and seek him. For ourselves, as well as for the future of our church. Because we know better than to think that we can come up with great plans and visions. Instead, our leadership seeks God in these crazy ways to see what he would for us to do. And what shocked me was that as we had time to think about what God wants for each of us to do this week, that the thought of stopping my pursuits and accomplishments and tasks this week in order to pursue him scared me more than I've ever experienced before. I've been practicing rest and sabbath and studying and practicing the idea all year long as my work is trying to practice the theme of Rest and Renewal. I thought I had this down. All to realize last night that the level of fear, anxiety and discomfort and coming home at night with no plans but to spend time with God was, at best, unhealthy.
Somewhere along the line in this past year or so, my accomplishments began to define me. What I could get done, achieve, make happen for His name became who I was, what I did, how I made up for time lost with him. So badly wanting to do good for him and enjoying him began to take the place of him, even if it did glorify him in the process, my heart and mind have gone somewhat astray. Otherwise stopping just to make time for him wouldn't freak me out so much. Because, despite what I think, he doesn't need me to accomplish his plans. Ministry will not fail without me, relationships will not fail without me. I get to play a part in what he does, but he does not depend on me for a darned thing. Which scared me a little, thinking what am I going to do at night, without things to accomplish, things to make me feel successful? Because I've chosen to not only fast activity and striving, but time wasters like TV, Facebook, internet, shopping. That leaves me with a whole lot of time for just He and I. Which makes me excited, but nervous.
Then this evening, on the first week of pursuit of God with church, my roommate and I did our weekly prayer time together, and shared how we intended to get on board with this idea. For quite a while we sat and talked and prayed. And I looked at the clock at least 3 times. It struck me that in the midst of this time we had set apart to develop our relationship and pursue God together - exactly what I would have envisioned for how God might want me to spend my time this week - I had begun stressing about how much time we were taking, how I needed to hurry through prayer to get to my time with God. WHAT?! Let's hurry up and pray so I can go read the bible and pray...are you serious? Who does that? It showed me that even in trying to pursue God, it can really just be about crossing things off a list for me, even when I come in with the best intentions. And I think that's where I've been missing him lately. Here I was, spending my time in one of the best ways, pursuing relationship with him and with a sister-in-Christ, talking about him and sharing our struggles. And I was thinking, man it's getting late. I need to eat and have time with God tonight..can we speed this up? Catching myself with those thoughts made me realize how weak and in need of him I am.
Which reminds me of something our pastor said last night as he shared having these same issues. We need to become weak in order to know that He is God. Be still, relaxed, weak...in order to know him. First comes the weakening and quieting, then we can know him more. I think that's part of the fear...what I do appears to make me strong, give me validity, prove my abilities and worth. If I stop, if I let myself be weak, then what?
So, I'm going to be trying to chronicle some of this time, see what God does as I wait expectantly on him this week and hope that he will transform me. I'm going to set aside what gives me worth on a superficial level and let God show me who I am because of him. I'm going to try to stop, listen, and actually slow my mind enough to let God show me more of the ugliness, and then to change me.
"Be still, and know that I am God" - Psalm 26.
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