Questions and Answers

Recent weeks have brought a lot of questions to mind that I have been working through with God. Mostly, they are the result of the Broken Hearts ministry with which I am involved, and seeing how God uses - or doesn't seem to use - us. I'm not sure exactly where it came from, but a few weeks ago I began asking questions that I have never asked before:

"God, why do you send us out to spread the gospel, knowing that some people will never listen?"
"Why don't you soften people hearts? You did it in the bible?"
"Why must Christians suffer persecution and live hard lives of sacrifice? Why did you?"
"Should I even be ministering to these people on the street who are so hardened and don't care?"
"What is your glory? Where is your power? And are what I think experiences of it really something I just tell myself is true?"
"How can I experience you in a way that makes me want you more than anything else? And how do I share that with someone who doesn't know you?"

The list goes on and on. And every answer I get, my only response is that of a curious and discontent child - "But why?"

I have known Christ my entire life...I never had a radical conversion experience to know what life is like without him. And for that blessing, I am so so grateful...but just as the parable of the men whose debts are forgiven, the one who is freed of the greater debt is more thankful. I have not had as great a debt as some, and therefore have missed some of the miracle of God's grace. His Word tells us to believe without seeing, but also to ask questions and to seek God and we will find him. I am somewhere in the middle of that right now.

But this Thanksgiving weekend was amazing...God spoke to me, just as he has been doing recently. Did He answer all of my questions? No, but he answered some and did show me more of himself...and I feel like he left some unanswered that I might continue to pursue Him, seek him more, desire him more, and end my journey more prepared and more passionate to share my faith with those living their lives without Him.

On Wednesday night I shared a meal with some extended family, as well as my own. That in itself is an amazing blessing because my family is amazing. But as we sat around the dinner table, we began to share what we are thankful for. I don't know why it happened, but as I began to share, my eyes filled with tears and the pain mixed with gratitude choked my words. To better understand, it should be known that I never cry in front of people. I hate it. Just in the last few years I began crying when I was alone after I had stopped for many years when I felt like my tears had dried up. In front of my whole family, who NEVER sees me cry, never sees my weaknesses, I tried my best not to weep. I could barely get any words out, because once I start I can't speak and cry at the same time. But they patiently waited as I eeked out the explanation that I have had a very hard past several months, but I am thankful for the struggle and the pain, because I have come to know God so much better and to love and desire him more than anything he could or ever will give me. And so many blessings have come as a result of something terrible. All of that took about 5 minutes to get out between tears - how embarrasing! Soooo not me! And yet I saw how vulnerability breeds community and depth in relationships. No one got awkward, no one thought I was crazy. They patiently listened, and after I finished, my entire family gathered around me and laid hands on me and prayed. This was very hard for me, because I do not show much emotion with them, and I don't like being the center of attention. But in that moment, I saw a piece of God's glory. Part of being in his kingdom is that we have both earthly and eternal families. And at that moment my entire family stopped to care for me and lift me into Jesus' arms. I am not crazy for believing in Jesus, I saw him at work in that room and could not deny his power and love. And afterwards, what I NEVER would have expected, was that about half of my family sat and talked with me individually, and most of them THANKED me for sharing and for crying and getting upset. WHAT? was my reaction. But it was true, my entire family was grateful for my breakdown, for some reason, to see me vulnerable, to know me better, and to be a part of my life and see God at work. At least two people said that it basically made their night. um, are you kidding? But yes, it's true. I have never had an experience like that with my family, but I will never forget it. Or how God confirmed that Community is part of God's blessing and glory on this earth.

On Thanksgiving day, I spent the day with my immediate family, and halfway through the day I opened up a book by Brother Yun to read. God gave me these two sentences, so powerful that I had to stop reading so that I could think on them for a while and let them sink in: "It's only when we step out in obedience and share the gospel with people that we come to know God's blessing in every area of our lives" and "If you truly want to see God move, the two main things you must do is learn the Word of God and have the obedience to do what God tells you to do." I felt like God was saying, "You want to see me any my glory? Then keep doing, keep sharing your faith, keep pursuing me. In obedience to living and sharing the gospel, my glory will be revealed to you."

Then after dinner headed over to a friend's house for dinner with the Broken Hearts ministry and people from the streets of Hollywood. Only one came from Hollywood...and it was great to have him. Aside from that, it was basically a ministry bonding experience. As tradition calls for, we also went around the table and shared what we were thankful for this year. I looked around as people shared, and was once again reminded what an awesome group of people, and what an awesome family I had in front of me. A group of people who might never have known each other if it weren't for ministry, of different ages and races and backgrounds, all sharing a Thanksgiving meal together and acting as a family. Only God can unite such random people together who are still getting to know each other, in such a powerful way. And it's because we all have passion for Him and sharing Him with others and are sharing how he's been working in our lives. We listened to story after story of what God is doing. We listened to Nick praise God, a man who, just a few years ago was working on the streets of Hollywood, "partying with demons", invovled in the porn industry, doing drugs and loving it all. And now he just wants to know Jesus more and share him more, and to love the only Father he's ever had. That is a true testimony of what God does.

And as I listened, I was able to see an experience that I've never had, coming to Jesus out of a terrible life and really understanding his grace and love. And God showed me how he works, even if it's through hearing other people's stories. I could not deny this cloud of witnesses around me. We all believe in this awesome God for a reason, though it may be different for each of us. Then I listened to someone's mom cry as she expressed how thankful she is for our ministry and what we are doing, and how we are impacting so many people that we don't even realize. That was a big slap over the head for me from God. I have been asking more about this ministry and why he allows it to take so long, and should we even spend time with people that aren't ready and aren't broken? But knowing that people are impacted, even if they have nothing to do with our ministry...I felt it was words straight from God. And we all discussed the recent conversion of a man who used to be an angry transvestite prostitute and drug addict, who just gave his life to Christ and is going home to change.

Once again, God showed me a community of believers, a people united under Him to do his work, and I was amazed. This was another demonstration of his glory...and so much accountablity around me reminding me why God is so great and how many people desire to serve Him, just because of who he is. And after this great time together, we packed up food and took it up to Hollywood to hand out. We met some new people, had some interesting conversations, and even saw a few familiar faces.

And on top of all of that, I was reminded how God has been directing me recently. Nearly a year ago now, I was praying that God would lead me in the direction he wanted me to go. Knowing that my banking job is not a lifelong career for me, and wanting to impact his Kingdom more, I wasn't quite sure where I wanted to go or do. A few thoughts were going through my head at the time, but I continued to pray and wait. And then I went to New Orleans to help with Katrina relief. That put a soft spot in my heart for the poor and needy. A few weeks later I went to Hollywood to write an article for church...and the next week I was part of the ministry. 7 months later I am in love with it, I think and pray about it all the time. And I'm taking Sociology because I desire to do more. I want to help people transition from the streets back into normal living. And I would not have this passion if it were not for this ministry. And this Thursday made me feel even more like that's what I want to do. I'm still praying and figuring that out, but I see how God has lead me over the past several months into somewhere I never expected, but great nonetheless.

And on top of all of that, I'm free from a past relationship, I'm not tied down, I have more time for friendships and ministry and education and learning new skills and family and on and on. And as I question God, I seek him more, and I know that is his desire for me.

So, I still have things to figure out and answers I need to dig deep to find, but that is just a glimpse of the power of God this past day and a half in my life. Who knew so much could happen in so short of a time? God, I suppose.