He Changed Me

“You change me, You change me
Thank You, Jesus
I can see You change me

Like a bullet in a wound
It needs to be removed
But only by You, only by You
And though I feel so stuck
The hope in Your eyes is enough

To change me, You change me
Thank You, Jesus
I can see You change me”
-Bethany Dillon, Change


I’m feeling a little awkward posting this, because it’s really more like a journal entry which will make me vulnerable through telling ways that God has changed me. If he’s changed me, it means I had things about me that needed changing, and that is always humbling to admit. However, we rejoice when God works in people’s lives, and I suppose that includes mine. God is always at work in all of our hearts but we don’t often share, although it is often worthy of praise. So…here we go….

I recently ended a relationship; and to be honest, a relationship that I thought would never end. I suppose that to some extent big life changes like these cause us to pause and reflect, and hopefully teach us to seek God more and to find ways in which He might be speaking to us. I know for me this is true…I have had much time to reflect on what went wrong, how God is moving, what he is now filling that void with, etc. So for me, an easy measure of my life and how things have changed is about 2 years ago, because that is when this relationship began. In fact, it was exactly 2 years just this past week.

So I’ve been thinking lately, how was I different two years ago? How did I think, act, feel, relate to God, when I first started dating this person? I actually find it ironic that we broke up due largely to the fact that this person saw something he did not like in me, thought maybe I had changed, or my character had weakened. So of course, I am reflecting on what things he saw and what I need to be working on. The irony is that I feel that if he had truly seen all of me when we started dating, that he would see now that I have grown and changed in so many positive ways and am so much stronger spiritually now than I was then. But if that was the case, how would God have used this person to shape and mold me into the person I have become? I believe God used him as a mighty tool in my life, “as iron sharpens iron”, to create a much better Holly.

Some of these changes may seem small or not a big deal, but I do believe they please God, and that is not trivial. I already wrote one post about this - basically how I grew up very comfortable and privileged and assumed that the big house, nice cars and well-decorated house were what you aim for, that a good comfortable life is the best goal. These days, comfort is still appealing of course. Who doesn’t want a nice place to live? But the things I used to think about having: the nice decorations in the house, clothes, the nice cars and nice stuff flooding my life…it really is not that appealing anymore.

Mahatma Gandhi said, “May I live simply, that others may simply live.” In the face of what others lack, the idea of me having more than I need, or even want, just seems ridiculous. Why buy more clothes when I could give them away to people without jobs? Why buy more jewelry when really a few pieces will do? Do these things really make me more attractive, more important, more happy? Not at all. Yesterday I heard about a girl who sold almost all of her stuff, packed what she could into a few suitcases, and is moving to South America to teach. Why is something about that so appealing? No, I don’t want to move to South America, but the idea of living with only what you really need so that you can better serve others…that is attractive. I’ve begun to feel overwhelmed by the needless “stuff” I have in my little apartment, and have decided to get rid of some of it, simplify, and give what I can away to people who can’t just go out and buy this stuff.

I spend my Thursday nights with people who sell their bodies to afford a place to sleep, with homeless people and drug addicts who can’t find jobs because of the situation they’re in. Am I really going to go and buy more stuff to fill my already crowded apartment? I think a new outfit for work or a new shirt from time to time is reasonable, but the pleasure I used to find in shopping has basically turned into a constant “buyer’s remorse”. I feel yucky when I come home with bags filled with anything but food, like I’ve done something wrong. And perhaps is wasn’t wrong, but was it the wisest choice in how to use the blessing God has given to me? This was all a very slow and subtle change. I don’t think it happened all at once…but mostly through God’s use of this “ex” in my life to influence me. My perspective has shifted, and my eyes have been opened to so much around me…and I love it!

Another change hit me the other day. I was thinking about my vacation coming up in September, and what I should do during that time. I have a few options open, some of them costing more than others. And perhaps for the first time in my life I gave serious thought to whether I should actually spend the money to do something fun for myself, or to keep it simple and stay around home and use the money for something else. Or to spend my time doing ministry work, or going somewhere like New Orleans on a missions trip with my time. I still haven’t decided…but I remembered talking to a friend last year near vacation time about how she struggled with deciding between her desire to travel and get out of the US, and the need around her for missionaries to be supported and friends who needed money, etc, and how she should choose to use that money – for herself or for someone else. I still remember that conversation, and what went through my head, and it honestly makes me embarrassed to think about. Truly, my reaction (kept in my head) was, “hm, I’d spend it on the vacation. I mean, she makes a good point, but if you want to travel, go travel. Spend a little money to see the world, get away, experience something new.” I love traveling, and that too has ways of spurring growth and character development. But my first thought was always where I wanted to go and how I wanted to spend the money. Yes- give to others, support missionaries, etc; But sacrifice your vacation time, time with friends or family for that? I wasn’t quite sure about that idea. And in the course of the year, I realized in my heart I’ve done a total 180. I’m now faced with the same decision, deciding what God wants me to do with that money. He’s a crazy guy, God is. If you’re not careful, He’ll completely change you without you having the slightest clue.

2 years ago, I never would have thought I would sacrifice sleep and comfort once a week to hang out with prostitutes and drug addicts. 2 years ago, I had no idea I would love these people and my heart would break for them…2 years ago I wanted to continue in Personal Training, or Marketing, or PR….not consider full-time ministry. 2 years ago I thought I was supposed to aspire to the nice house, the comfortable job, the nice retirement, the perfect family, the nice vacations, and a strong relationship with God. 2 years ago I loved God and graduated with a minor in Bible…but I knew little of what Faith truly lived out is, I knew little of total dependence on God, little of asking him for direction before taking any action, little of sacrifice and giving up the things I wanted most for God. I didn’t look for ways to give my money away, I simply tithed because that’s what I was supposed to do and I wanted to give back to God. I didn’t get excited to share the gospel with people, I just tried to be an encouragement to those around me. 2 years later I find my confidence and beauty in Christ and what my Father says about me, not what others say or magazines tell me. 2 years ago I knew I had pride, but didn’t realize the depth of it….I knew I preferred comfort over obedience, but didn’t realize how it hindered my relationship with Christ. 2 years ago I couldn’t forsee the hurt I would experience in a serious relationship, and really didn’t expect a broken heart. But seeing how God has changed me, and how I needed to have this relationship to make some of those changes, I wouldn’t trade it in, even knowing it would end. And I have to say, knowing that this relationship may or may not ever be what it was again makes me incredibly sad. But I am confident that God has a good work to complete in me. And if this is part of his plan (as I already see that it is in how God is moving in my life), then I will continue to take it day by day, trusting in God for his best, expectantly waiting to see how he will mold me into the woman he desires me to be.


In the words of “Shane and Shane”:

“When I think about the Lord
how He saved, how He raised me
how He filled me with the Holy Ghost
how He healed me to the uttermost
when I think about the Lord
how he picked me up
turned me around
how He set my feet
on solid ground

It makes me want to shout
hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!
Lord, you're worthy
of all the glory, and all the honor
and all the praise!
Hallelujah! thank you, Jesus!
Lord, you're worthy
of all the glory, and all the honor
and all the praise!”