Fear of being still

"Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength. But you would have none of it." - Isaiah 30:15

Why is it that when we know exactly what we need, exactly what will save us, give us rest and peace, that we turn and do the complete opposite thing? When I want and need to spend more time with my Father, deepening our relationship, why do I find anything to fill my time, even with service for him, to avoid that quiet and rest in him? No matter how many times I read that verse, at best I grasp it for about 10 minutes, and then I'm right back to "having none of it".

This week, our church is in corporate pursuit of God. We are praying, fasting, and intentionally setting aside time to rest and seek him. For ourselves, as well as for the future of our church. Because we know better than to think that we can come up with great plans and visions. Instead, our leadership seeks God in these crazy ways to see what he would for us to do. And what shocked me was that as we had time to think about what God wants for each of us to do this week, that the thought of stopping my pursuits and accomplishments and tasks this week in order to pursue him scared me more than I've ever experienced before. I've been practicing rest and sabbath and studying and practicing the idea all year long as my work is trying to practice the theme of Rest and Renewal. I thought I had this down. All to realize last night that the level of fear, anxiety and discomfort and coming home at night with no plans but to spend time with God was, at best, unhealthy.

Somewhere along the line in this past year or so, my accomplishments began to define me. What I could get done, achieve, make happen for His name became who I was, what I did, how I made up for time lost with him. So badly wanting to do good for him and enjoying him began to take the place of him, even if it did glorify him in the process, my heart and mind have gone somewhat astray. Otherwise stopping just to make time for him wouldn't freak me out so much. Because, despite what I think, he doesn't need me to accomplish his plans. Ministry will not fail without me, relationships will not fail without me. I get to play a part in what he does, but he does not depend on me for a darned thing. Which scared me a little, thinking what am I going to do at night, without things to accomplish, things to make me feel successful? Because I've chosen to not only fast activity and striving, but time wasters like TV, Facebook, internet, shopping. That leaves me with a whole lot of time for just He and I. Which makes me excited, but nervous.

Then this evening, on the first week of pursuit of God with church, my roommate and I did our weekly prayer time together, and shared how we intended to get on board with this idea. For quite a while we sat and talked and prayed. And I looked at the clock at least 3 times. It struck me that in the midst of this time we had set apart to develop our relationship and pursue God together - exactly what I would have envisioned for how God might want me to spend my time this week - I had begun stressing about how much time we were taking, how I needed to hurry through prayer to get to my time with God. WHAT?! Let's hurry up and pray so I can go read the bible and pray...are you serious? Who does that? It showed me that even in trying to pursue God, it can really just be about crossing things off a list for me, even when I come in with the best intentions. And I think that's where I've been missing him lately. Here I was, spending my time in one of the best ways, pursuing relationship with him and with a sister-in-Christ, talking about him and sharing our struggles. And I was thinking, man it's getting late. I need to eat and have time with God tonight..can we speed this up? Catching myself with those thoughts made me realize how weak and in need of him I am.

Which reminds me of something our pastor said last night as he shared having these same issues. We need to become weak in order to know that He is God. Be still, relaxed, weak...in order to know him. First comes the weakening and quieting, then we can know him more. I think that's part of the fear...what I do appears to make me strong, give me validity, prove my abilities and worth. If I stop, if I let myself be weak, then what?

So, I'm going to be trying to chronicle some of this time, see what God does as I wait expectantly on him this week and hope that he will transform me. I'm going to set aside what gives me worth on a superficial level and let God show me who I am because of him. I'm going to try to stop, listen, and actually slow my mind enough to let God show me more of the ugliness, and then to change me.

"Be still, and know that I am God" - Psalm 26.