Paradoxical Worlds

We seem to live in a world of two dimensions, of being in 2 places in once. Not physically per se, but spiritually, emotionally, mentally.

I just came from an afternoon with one of my best friends, who coincidentally is my ex-boyfriend. Over the past few months, I have lived in a parallel universe of pain and joy. Loss, rejection, fear, depression, pain, anxiety – that is the one world which resulted from our breaking up. Yet each day I get up and pray and thank God for my day. I cover my face in make-up and dress in nice clothes and go to an office with a smile on my face and when people ask me how I am, generally reply, “Good, how are you?” without even thinking about it. And some days that’s the honest answer…other days I say it with a twinge of hope and the desire to conceal the hurt that lies underneath. Sometimes I feel the need to pretend, while other days I simply want to believe that, and by saying, “Good! How are you?” gives me a few seconds of feeling like everything is ok. And I know that many others are doing the same…we put on facades of everything being ok, living in a world of “good” and smiles and laughter, while our heart lives in a world of pain.

Yet some days I really do feel good. Some days I feel pleasure in small delights, in God’s hand of blessing, and in Him growing me. I rejoice in my friends, in a good job, in the sunshine and the outdoors, in the laughter and peace that comes from swinging at a park like when I was 10 years old. Some days I sense God’s presence and find joy in realizing he is giving me new dreams and desires and I nearly explode with excitement and anticipation of all that I could do, all the ways he could use me. I can go to bed crying one night, and be overwhelmed with peace the next morning. This is one of my two-dimensional worlds that I live in; Pain and Joy.

This morning I was first struck with this idea of having two lives, living in two-dimensions. On Thursday night I went down to minister in Hollywood as I do every week. Here, drugs are rampant, they are a known cure for covering pain and staying awake to avoid having to fall asleep on the street. Transvestites are absolutely normal, prostitution is an accepted form of making money, homosexuality is more common than heterosexuality, sex and alcohol and clubs and staying up on the streets until 3 in the morning or later is life as usual. Being in and out of prison is a common occurrence, homeless people are a typical sight on the street, violence, bad relationships, drama and poverty are a way of life.

This past week I found out that one person in particular, a young transvestite prostitute who I had so badly wanted to get to know and show Christ’s love to was murdered before any of us had the chance. I’m guessing there aren’t many people who will miss him….and that whoever so brutally murdered him will probably get away with it…and that this type of crime probably happens from time to time, though you won’t ever see it on the news or in a newspaper…you won’t even see a funeral being held. And yet all I have to do is drive 20-30 minutes and I’m back in Orange County, where I generally feel safe, where a transvestite would look terribly out of place, where street-sweepers keep our streets clean once a week. You don’t hear about murder around here too often, or see many homeless people, or even see people walking very often because everyone drives a car and affords gas. Here the biggest worry is what brand of jeans you wear or how big your paycheck is or if you’re driving the coolest new car.
I observe one lifestyle on Thursday nights, and am back in my comfortable bed on Friday mornings. Weekends I spend at the beach, in God’s amazing beauty, having fun and laughing and eating and watching people ride bikes and walk dogs and sit on the patios of their multi-million dollar beach-front houses. And if I so choose, I can forget that someone I knew went to spend eternity with Satan this week. How strange is that?

And as I thought about these paradoxical worlds, I thought about how this all relates to God. Since the fall, we live in a world that is not our home, that God never intended for us for eternity. We are to live as strangers in this world, knowing that we belong in Heaven and not on this earth. And so here, we also live in 2 worlds. One that enjoys the life given to us here on earth, but that is so full of sin and destruction that it always leaves us longing for eternity with our creator. Our lives here are but a mist, a vapor, because while we live here, our hearts are focused on Heaven and the joy that God has planned for us for all of eternity.

So I guess it’s okay that we live experiencing so many things at once, that our hearts are in different places at once, that we cry and laugh in one day, that we are content and still experience longing in one day, that 20 minutes can transport us to an entirely different lifestyle. God placed us in one world with a longing for another, and in this world that lets us experience contradicting emotions and desires and countless paradoxes. I’m just happy to know that one day it will all make sense, one day all we will do is worship and rejoice.